there's a lot of this going around

On Friday night, I get a facebook message from an old high school peep, asking me if I heard the news that a good high school friend had passed away. I hadn't heard. So I got the full story, and felt like crap-o-la, and all I've done all weekend is think about her.

I had known Heidi for what seems like forever. I don't recall her in kindergarten, but I do remember her from first grade on. In small rural counties you pretty much have the same people in your class year after year until graduation. So Heidi and I were in classes until our Junior year. 6th grade Heidi's dad died. We were getting ready to go on a field trip for school, and they came and got her off the bus and told her. He had been in a car accident. She was the youngest of 3 kids. Her brother Fleming was a year older. In 6th grade, we all pretty much avoided the topic of her dad dying. We didn't really understand grief or how to help a friend cope - we were all too young to figure it out.

I have a lot of fun/good memories of her. I remember sleeping over at her house and singing along to "Walk like an Egyptian" on her pocket rocker. Or climbing up in the treehouse. I remember Heidi "going with" Trevor for what seemed like years, but was only in reality a couple months in 6th grade. I remember my boyfriend breaking up with me to ask her out, but he was too shy so I asked her for him. Hilarious. That was also in 6th grade. Heidi was always first chair clarinet, and I was jealous. Until I finally beat her out for it at some point in high school. I think sophomore year. Then the next year I don't think she was in band anymore. Heidi always got straight A's, and she would've been one of our valedictorians. We had 3 but I digress. Sophomore year, Heidi decided she was going to graduate early. I remember trying to talk her out of it, but she was determined. She graduated with her brother, while the rest of us were still Juniors. In short, Heidi was smart, pretty, fun, and seemed to have a lot going for her. But I guess her internal issues started well before any of us knew. And then she graduated.

I lost touch with her after that. I know that 2 years later she had a kid. And married a guy who was rumored to be a jerk. Her brother suffered from depression, and on one night held Heidi and her mom hostage in their house with a gun. He threatened to kill himself. Law enforcement was called and they did nothing. Fleming shot himself that night, and when law enforcement arrived, Heidi assaulted them for not having responded to their earlier calls. She was found guilty of felony assault on an officer. Then I really don't know what happened with her. I heard through the grapevine that she made poor decisions, but that was about it. I always wondered where she was and what she was doing, and frequently tried to find her through Yahoo, Facebook, and MySpace, but never did.

Turns out she had some serious drug issues. On Friday the 4th, she drank a 5th of liquor and then injected insulin and succeeded in her suicide attempt, leaving behind her now 13 year old son. I don't know what was going on that made her decide this was her only option, but it makes me sad. Her mom didn't put an obituary in the paper because she didn't want people to know that her youngest child also committed suicide.

It's a hard thing for me to come to terms with because this is the first death of someone I knew for pretty much ever. I mean, we had people die when I was in school, but this is different. She was my friend, and although we lost touch over the years, I still thought about her frequently. At some point this week, I plan on pulling out all of my old pictures and making copies of them to send to her mom. I don't know if it will help her or make things worse, but it might be nice for her to have some reminder of when things were happy with Heidi. I'm glad that those are the memories I have, even though I wish we hadn't lost touch.

And now I wonder who else knows, or doesn't know. I feel like there are others who would like to know, but at the same time, I want to respect her mother's wishes. It's not an easy thing to admit to people that someone killed themself. I may ask Stephanie - who was the one who told me.

I think what really gets me though - is that Stephanie's message to me on FB was this: "Did you know that Heidi passed away? She always thought so much of you."

And it kills me. I almost feel guilty for not having kept in touch. Not that I think I could've saved her, but I could of at least been a better friend. Well, that and I always thought so much of her, but now she won't know.