Will it ever end???

Today, posted outside of Terri's office, were two sheets of paper. One had the definition of "parched" while the other had the definition of "perished."

Now granted, when I'm right about something, I like to make it known. But to continually rub it in someone else's face - while at work? I think that's a little over the top.

Not that I haven't thought about it...I mean, certainly if it were work related ("I told you if we didn't remove that kid he'd end up with a broken leg") it would be justified.

But the difference between perished and parched??? In the grand scheme of things - who the hell cares??????

it's that time of year again

here are my new years resolutions
1. lose 15 pounds
2. be jealous less
3. trust more
4. find a new job

Does it matter?

The following conversation just occurred in the hallway outside of my office door:

Jason: You said "perished."
Terri: I can say "perished."
Jason: No - it's "parched."
Terri: I'm "perishing for a drink."
Lamma: "perished" means dead.
Terri: yeah, I'm "perishing" for a drink means I'm dying for a drink.
Jason: But you said "I'm perished."
Terri: So?
Jason: "Famished" means hungry and "parched" means thirsty and "perished" means died. You cannot say "I'm perished."
Terri: Well, lots of people say that - I've heard other people say it.

Then apparently Jason walked off in frustration because then I hear:
Terri: I'm still going to say "perished" whether he likes it or not. I can say perished if I want.

WHATEVER.

Top 10 things that piss me off

In no particular order:
1. having to wait until December 18 to get Mary J. Blige's new cd
2. child abusers that get away with it because they're lawyers
3. pulmonary embolisms
4. people who tell me what is missing from my case notes and that it's "concerning", without asking me if i've finished typing them (i wasn't)
5. collection agencies
6. being broke
7. car tax
8. impossible deadlines
9. interviewing for new jobs and not getting called back
10. stupid parents who allege sexual abuse on the other parent because of custody battles

Bi-curious?

I was recently on the phone with a good friend, when somehow the subject came up that she had "made out" with another woman. WHAT??? I mean, granted, I knew about her previous experience with a couple, but one-on-one action?? Are you kidding me?? And how is it that I was never told before? "I thought I told you - I mean I could've sworn I told you." Yeah, whatever. You did it on purpose. She says she still likes boys though, and that's okay. I wish I were more disappointed. It intrigues me - thinking about her being with a woman, but at the same time, I just can't imagine it. And it doesn't have any impact on me because I'm married. Not that it really matters, because I'm pretty sure that despite all my joking around, I really don't like her like that, if you know what I mean. Yes, I compare all my significant others to her, but only because she's such an amazing person. I don't compare people to her physically or sexually, just personality stuff. And I know if she's reading this she's probably saying "Well I know why she doesn't compare physical stuff..." but that's not it at all. I have never compared physical features. I mean look at M. (almost looking anorexic) and then K. Big difference. But I digress. I couldn't possibly have a sexual relationship with her - it would just be too weird.
And it would be even worse if it ended - I'm not about to jeopardize our friendship just for some amazing sex.

Although it might be worth it.....

Just kidding....

I think.....

Anyhoo - so she had this "encounter" - and I say "good for you." It's good to expand your horizons and experience something new. Even if you don't go all the way. Think of it as a resume builder. You do something you don't really have any interest in doing full-time, it's just something so people can say "wow - you're really well-rounded!"

And then again - maybe you just didn't make out with the right woman....

Eh, who needs 'em anyways?

I'm not wearing any underwear.

PS - Cris, I'm sorry you didn't get your hump on.

again for Rhonda

Wednesday was the funeral. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to go. I didn't want to see you lying there still and unresponsive. That's not how I want to remember you. I want to remember you smoking outside every hour on the hour, or remember your face lighting up at the mention of Jack and Natalie. Yesterday was hard for us here at the office. Lamma looks like she's aged 20 years in the past week since you've been gone. It's almost like now that the funeral is over with - it's official. Your family came yesterday to clean out your office. It's bare and empty now. Your sweater is gone, your plants are gone, the pictures of Natalie and Jack aren't on your desk anymore. It's almost as if you never existed here, and it plays tricks with my mind each time I walk past your door. For once, no one has jumped at the opportunity of having a big office with big windows. Looking out of them would be too painful. Seeing someone else in your place would hurt too. Even though we all know that it's impossible to replace you. I went to the cemetary yesterday during work. It was easy to find your spot. It was the one with the most flowers. I was glad no one else was there so I could have some time there alone. I'm sorry I couldn't stay long. I don't want to remember or think of you in that place either. So I just told you I missed you and quickly tried to calm the flood waters that seemed to be suddenly released from my eyes with one blink. Lamma put up a picture in her office from 15-20 years ago. It's an office picture of everyone with you front and center. I don't think you aged at all since then. I'm glad that it's how I will always remember you - youthful, vibrant, caring, and healthy. I would hate to have any other memories. Thanks for everything you were, and still are to me. Love you and miss you Rhonda.

For Rhonda

I got the call Saturday afternoon. I didn't answer my phone because I thought it was an on-call work related thing and I wanted to enjoy my afternoon. Once I listened to my message I felt like an ass for being so selfish. Not that answering my phone would have prevented anything from happening. It was already said and done. Work is going to be a struggle without you. I purposefully went to my office the other way, just so I wouldn't have to walk past your door and see your chair sitting empty. I no longer have the opportunity to harass you about your smoking, or joke around with you about your "second job" as a stripper and the possibility of putting up a pole in your office. You were definitely the coolest 60 something year old person I've ever known. And the only one I knew to have a tattoo. When I got my motorcycle, you came out and sat on it, and then set it up like you were going to ride off on it. You always gave me birthday and Christmas cards, and you were the first person to tell me you were going to miss me when I left to go to VCU. You were also one of the first to greet me upon my return. You were always observant, and concerned when I was losing so much weight. You were the only person to ask me if I was okay, and then despite my answer of "yes," you asked if I had an eating disorder. When I helped calm one of your clients, you wrote a letter to both John and Mandy about me. We used to talk about our mutual clients and despite how crazy and volatile they were, we liked them. You always helped me by educating me on eligibility stuff, and providing me with a ton of information about my clients.

Today is hard without you Rhonda. It's our first day back at work with you gone. There's no laughter this morning. There's no "good morning, how was your weekend." Just quiet, closed office doors, and tears.

I miss you Rhonda.

For Cristina

I know that lately
Things haven't been so good
I always saidIf I could ever help you I would
I love you
For a thousand years

I'm hereTo wipe away the tears
I will be your friend
till the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile

When your fallin apart
I pick up each piece
Build a wall around your dreams
The punches to your heart
Melt away when you never thought they'd heal
So trust in meT
hese are the words I tattoo on you
If hercules can pick you up
I will I really am true

I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
I love youFor a thousand years
I'm hereTo wipe away the tears

You've got so much to give
I'll tell you just when you need to know
Get out and live
Pick you up when you're feeling low
So here's my hand

Trust in me I really am true
You've got to understand
There's nothingI wouldn't do

I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile

You've got so much to give
Get out and live
I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
The Punches to your heart
When your falling apart..

love you cris.

“And my little pink heart, is on its little brown raft, floating out to sea.”

I’ve been gone from work for a week at training. I must say I’m not so excited to be back at my desk this morning. However, since I’ve been gone, I’ve neglected other people’s blogs. Except Cristina, because she hasn’t blogged since Mothers Day. Slacker. I did enjoy reading NY Mandy’s blogs. I especially liked the Japanese tetris. Mind you, I have no speakers, so I have no clue if there was any voice-over. But it didn’t matter because I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks and severe cramping of the stomach and sides. So to NY Mandy – thanks for making my return to work a little less painful.

The other day I was going through all the stuff I’ve kept over the years (I’m a packrat for those of you who didn’t know). I periodically do this and get rid of some stuff. In the process I came across Thea’s cd, which then of course took me way back down memory lane. The end result was that I emailed Kirsten. I just want my life to turn out better than theirs. I told her about getting my masters, getting married, etc. She will be done with her masters shortly, and Thea just got a new job, blah blah blah. I wanted to make some shit up, like we bought a house and Kim is pregnant. But I figured that somehow she would find out the truth, and then I’d just look pathetic. Which is true. I can’t even figure out why I have this need to “one-up” them. Other than the fact that they both screwed me over. I guess I want to say “nyah – you screwed up my life but now I’m better than you.” And I can’t, and it bothers me. I was almost tempted to tell her I married Cristina, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Although that would’ve been really funny.

In other news…my nephew is the cutest thing ever. I’ve decided he looks like me.

Life lessons.

Today I came back from lunch and a coworker had left her personal keys on my desk. Attached to said keychain was a black metal rod approximately 5 inches long. I picked it up and it looked like a maglite, but I couldn’t find the bulb. So I unscrewed it and saw what I believed were batteries. So I screwed the cap back on, figuring that it was one of those laser pointers or a pin-light to find your door lock. Then I pressed the button located on the top of it. I then watched, in slow motion, a stream of yellowish/orange liquid spray out of the end. I had just shot myself in the leg with pepper spray. What followed was somewhat indicative of hysteria. Mostly on the part of my coworker, as I went gagging and teary-eyed into her office to admit what I had done. She immediately got a high, squeaky voice and lots of hand gestures asking me if I was okay. Then she went into my office and started gagging. This brought other coworkers with the same result. I then held my breath and went back in my office to turn on my fan. I decided I should probably try to rinse it off my pants, so I went to the bathroom to do so. Afterwards, I hung out in Michele’s office, and she continued to cough. I then realized that she was coughing because of me – it was still on my pants. Luckily, I am always prepared, and was able to change into gym clothes. However, as usual, I forgot one key component: shoes. So now I’m wandering around the office in ratty mesh shorts and a tshirt, socks, and no shoes. I also heavily sprayed my office with Lysol, which seems to have done the trick.

I should’ve listened to my mother: “keep your hands to yourself” and “don’t mess with things that don’t belong to you.”

how I feel after talking to Mandy (VA Mandy)

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn't there
she's humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she's so happy
and I think
this is not cool
'cause I know the guy
she's been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalizes
he says he don't mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revloution

and she still doesn't have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that's just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there's plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn't hear me
she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair

- Ani DiFranco Fixing her hair

I knew you would give in to my powers of persuasion.

Yes, this will be work related, but it’s really not that bad. Keep reading.

I have a new case in which a kid was hospitalized for injuries supposedly related to physical abuse. By law, I have a right to those hospital records, and by law, they are mandated reporters. So I send a fax over to the unnamed hospital in NOVA requesting the records. Mandy from medical records calls and says they can’t release the information without a consent. I respond “you have to. There are allegations of physical abuse and you are mandated reporters. You are required to release information to me without consent.” Mandy then says “No, I need consent from a parent.” Me: “No, I don’t. Virginia Code says I don’t. Instead of a release, I will fax you copies of the code section that says you have to comply.” Mandy: “You can fax me whatever you want, but without a release I can’t give you those records. Or you can get a court order to us.” Me: “I’ll fax you those code sections, and then you can decide if it’s worth going to jail when you break the law.” Mandy: “I will give it to my administrator.” Me: “Good, then they can fax me the records.”

That all happened on Monday. Then I get a call from the social worker on Tuesday telling me all about my kid. I ask her “so as hospital staff are mandated reporters, why is it that we didn’t get called?” she says “because the dad said you were already involved.” Me: “Well, we weren’t, and you’re still a mandated reporter even if we already know.” So then she apologizes profusely. Now it’s Thursday and I get a call again from Mandy at medical records. With the cheeriest voice possible I answer the phone and she asks me “what dates of service are you looking for on those records?” I kindly respond “I’m not sure of the exact dates, but it was the weeks of March 22 and 29.” Then she says “okay – that’s the last visit – the end of march. I’ll get those out to you.” “Thanks so much Mandy – have a great day.” Then I hang up.

I knew you’d give me those records biatch.

I am so lucky.

Screw those people I talked about in my last blog. They don’t matter. As long as I have people like Cristina and NY Mandy – what more do I need? Quality over quantity.
Love ya’ll.

so I speak to you in riddles cause my words get in my way

Today I got to thinking about my time spent in grad school. Which then got me thinking about undergrad…and then high school…and I again came to the realization that I don’t let people get close to me, and I don’t know why.
Let’s examine this and see how many people I count as friends from each group, that I still talk to somewhat regularly.
High school: Michelle
JMU: Cristina, Laurie, Amy, Kay, Fatimah, Elizabeth, Jen
VCU: None

This is pathetic. And it makes me sad. Because there are people I wish I were still friends with, or had made an attempt to have something lasting. But for whatever reason, I didn’t. Now I’m not saying that the people listed above are crappy. Not at all. If anything – they made me actually want to let them in, which is a big deal. I can’t figure out why I close people off. I thought I did a better job in grad school, but apparently I didn’t. What am I so scared of? Or is it more that I’m lazy and suck at keeping in touch? I mean, I’m lucky if I talk to kay once every 2 months. And I miss her like crazy, but I don’t do anything about it. Maybe I avoid being close with people because I dread the part about leaving or not talking to them. Like the feeling I have with Kay. But now I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I think I’ve always felt like that though. I never had a best friend when I was little. Well, I said I did, but they didn’t. Michelle and Brooke were each others best friends. I counted them as mine. There’s a significant difference I think. I didn’t have a reciprocal best friend relationship until high school. I wonder if that has anything to do with my stuff. My sister has had the same best friend since they were little and in school. She still keeps in touch with one person from VA Tech, but mostly she keeps in touch with high school people.
I wonder if this is normal though. Maybe it’s all that I just want a billion people who want to be my friend and be near me, and I’m disappointed that I don’t and I blame myself. Or maybe I just want closer friendships with people – I’ve always been jealous of how close other people are with each other, but then again, I don’t do anything to make it happen.
I certainly don’t want this to sound like I’m not happy. I am. I think this is just about wanting more – or wanting what I don’t have. Like money. I think lots of it comes from my insecurities. I make plans with people or maybe just tentative plans, and then they bail or it just never happens. It makes me start thinking it’s something with me. But how can I not think that when I happens multiple times with the same people. It’s getting to the point where I just throw ideas out there to people to see what will happen. If they will reinforce my theory that they don’t want to do anything with me, or if they’ll surprise me and actually follow through. Like my snowboarding with Leila or Mandy. For years Leila has said we should go snowboarding. But then when I call her to ask if she wants to go, she always has some reason she can’t, but then never suggests a different time. Similar with Mandy. We’ve been saying for years we’re going to go. I even wrote it on her calendar, but then it still didn’t happen. Maybe I should just give up altogether. Or maybe I should just come right out and say “you don’t really want to do that with me, do you?” Maybe if I just put it out there, they’ll be more comfortable with admitting it. Yet I’m certain they will respond with “yes I do, it’s just (insert excuse here).” And then it will happen again. And again. And again.
And I wonder why I don’t let people get close to me. The ones I consider close hurt me just the same.

That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
- Ghost Story - Sting

You should’ve asked the lesbian in the first place.

There are 6 women in my unit at work. 4 of whom are married and have children, 1 is married and pregnant, and then me. The following is the lunchtime conversation.

Jennifer (pregnant woman): (turning to Rachel and Michele) I have a question for the two of you.
Me: What am I, chopped liver?
Jennifer: Well, you won’t have the answer.
Me: Whatever.
Jennifer: I’ve become to pregnant and fat to have sex comfortably, do you two have any suggestions on positions?
Rachel: On all fours.
Michele: (nods head)
Rachel: Or what about you on top?
Jennifer: I’m getting too big and can’t move that well that way.
Me: you could lay sideways in the bed – but if he’s too short, his head will be in the middle of your back which may be uncomfortable for him. Or you could lean over onto the bed and have him behind you. Or depending on the height of things in your home – you could sit on something – like a desk or counter and he could be in front of you. If it’s wide enough, you could even lay back some if your belly still sticks out too far.
Jennifer: Or I could get a swing.
Me: Yeah, they sell those at Pamela’s in Harrisonburg. I think they’re actually pretty reasonable.

At this point, Michele and Rachel are looking at me, mouths open wide. And I tell Jennifer “you should’ve just asked me to begin with.”

This is amazingly accurate.

The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

gratitude

I am thankful for the following things (in no particular order)
1. friends I can wake up in the middle of the night who are willing to talk and listen to me
2. a job where people care and notice if I’ve been gone
3. a comfortable bed
4. my ipod
5. kim (despite the hurt)
6. snow
7. clothes that fit

okay – I decided I wasn’t going to list people, but I changed my mind. So the following are people I am thankful for. Again, in no particular order.

1. Cristina
2. Mandy
3. Nicolas
4. Kim
5. My family
6. Peyton (he’s better than family ‘cause he’s little)
7. Victoria
8. all of my coworkers
9. Laurie and Catrina
10. NY Mandy – her blogs make me giggle