I didn't think it would hurt this much

Gladys finally died yesterday.

We got Gladys when I was in 8th or 9th grade. And for those of you counting, that's 16 years ago. When we got her she was a puppy, and could fit in the palm of Dad's hand. We took pity on her because she was the runt of the litter, but seemed to be the one prancing around saying "I'm better than everyone else." So home she came, no crate, no box, hanging out on the back seat or in our laps until we got to the house. From the moment we brought her home, she was labeled "the best dog we ever had."

She was part black lab (we think), and part Rodesian Ridgeback. She was all black with a big cowlick up her spine. Once she got big enough, she was very happy to chase tennis balls and not bring them back. She liked chasing lots of things. One day she caught a squirrel as it tried to climb away up a tree. That wasn't pretty. She shook it like a rag doll by the tail until it slipped out of her mouth. The poor squirrel quickly ran to the nearest tree, and luckily made it up out of reach. She would run along behind me while Dad pulled me on the sled with the tractor. Sometimes she would grab my hat off my head and shake it around too.

In the beginning, she was strictly an outside dog. But the more we grew to love her, she eventually wound up inside on cold nights, then every night, and then she was coming in whenever she (or we) wanted her to.

I got Maia in 2000 and brought her home. At first, they didn't get along. At all. Drawing blood from each other on a weekly basis. It upset us all tremendously. I think Gladys was jealous. But eventually she learned that she was still number 1 in our books, and then they got along much better. Since then they romped around together, followed Dad when he went hunting, and even helped him track deer.

One day I saw a sign in the neighborhood saying "Lost peacock." The peacock ended up in our backyard, and Gladys helped us surround it and eventually catch it. She was great at herding things.

As she aged, she no longer wanted to be inside, and would bark frequently, which made us put her back out. So she went from being inside whenever, to being inside at night, to only on cold nights, and then not at all. Before she stopped going outside, she began having "selective hearing." She pretended she couldn't hear us when we tried to tell her anything. Sometimes she would pretend to be asleep while we were calling her name. At some point (5 or 6 years ago) we thought she was getting towards the end of her life. She wouldn't do much anymore, and she started to lose weight and go gray around the muzzle. Gladys would lay so still, we would think that she was already dead, and we'd have to yell for her (she would ignore us), and then we'd touch her. She would look up at us like "I'm not dead, leave me the hell alone." I'm convinced that sometimes she would hold her breath when she heard us coming.

The past few years, she lost a lot of weight, had difficulty walking, and getting up and down. Gladys never seemed to be in pain though - it just seemed like her body wouldn't work anymore. She lost control of her bladder, and we think she was pretty much blind and deaf. Each time I went home, I would make sure to find her (laying in the leaves, under the truck, etc) and pet her, because I knew she wouldn't know I was home, and if she did, she would have trouble getting to me.

I went home about two weeks ago and I couldn't find her. I got worried because it was dinnertime, and no matter what, she would know and would come to eat. I searched outside in the rain with a flashlight until I found her. She was huddled underneath A.C.'s old jeep. I petted her and told her it was time to eat. I went and got her food, but before I could bring it to her, she showed up at the front porch like usual to eat. I left the next morning after petting her and telling her to stay out of the driveway while I backed up.

Yesterday, I had multiple messages from family telling me that Gladys had finally died. Mom and Dad left to go to Charlottesville that morning and she was fine - wobbling around and barking as usual. When they came home, Dad went outside to do some type of "dad task" and found her underneath the trailer.

We had been making jokes for years...."she's still alive?" or "how old IS she?" We all knew she was probably pretty sick - having lost so much weight, but we couldn't bring ourselves to take her to the vet. We were afraid they would tell us she was dying, etc. and we would need to put her down. Mom and Dad repeatedly considered calling the vet and having her put to sleep, but no one could do it. I figured that it wouldn't hurt so much because we have been preparing ourselves for this for years. Boy was I wrong. I cried at work, I cried on the phone when I thought I would be leaving a message, I cried at home, I'm crying now, it's just awful. We had dogs before that died, but we had never had one as long as her.

I will be scanning pictures tonight, and will most likely post them over the holidays for you to see.

She was definitely the best dog we ever had.

Well it's about time

Yes, I can hear you saying it now.

I've been at my "new" job for 4 and a half months now. I like the work, and at first I wasn't sure about my coworkers, but I've decided they're not half bad. I'm glad I've gotten over my initial "crying-on-the-way-to-work-because-I-miss-my-old-coworkers" phase. I still miss them immensely, but I've adjusted. Until I went to visit Mandy and Nicolas last weekend, and then I cried on the way home. I'm such a mush-ball.

I do think my stories from work are much more entertaining now. Except for the guy who plucked his chest hair to send it to his wife while he was in jail. And she put it in her bra so it would be close to her heart. I don't think anything can top that story from my time at DSS. Ah...the memories....

Last week I got to work at my normal time, and then around 8:30, there was a horrendous banging/slamming noise and much screaming, coming from a unit that was luckily not my own. At any rate, I walked down the hall to see what was going on. There was a boy diagnosed with autism who was very upset with the morning's breakfast choice, and had thrown everyone's breakfast trays and there was food everywhere. They didn't have his normal Raisin Bran available, so he was very upset. And ripped his shirt off Hulk Hogan style. They called to all other units in an attempt to find Raisin Bran, but there wasn't any in the building. So in the meantime, this kid is going nuts. Over Raisin Bran. I mean, it's understandable, I get upset when I'm not regular too. So I offered to run to the store to get him some Raisin Bran, which was accepted gratefully. I hopped in Lucy Jetta, drove to Walmart and made it back in record time. Then I'm a hero because I got the guy some cereal. I still don't understand why no one else thought of going to the store, or even considered it as an option. Um...hello? Go buy the kid some cereal. It's not rocket science. "Uh...gee...he wants Raisin Bran, but we don't have any...what should we do?" He got his Raisin Bran, and then he was happy.

Now my days are filled with the sound of screaming psychotic children and the pitter patter of adult feet running down the hall.

I exaggerate. My day isn't "filled" with screaming children. Although I do hear screams probably once a day. Sometimes it's just a kid yelling because they're pissed off. Other times it is because they're psychotic, and then I feel like I'm in a movie.

Good times. Ya'll should come visit.

peer pressure

I guess it's time I blogged again. Or at least others think it's time I blogged again. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

So I have a new job, but I won't start until my birthday. That's July 25th for those of you who forgot, or didn't know at all. I'll be working at the Commonwealth Center for Children and Adolescents. It's a psychiatric hospital for kids. Should be a fun time. I hope.

I'm kinda sad about leaving good 'ol child protective services. Well, I'm sad about leaving my coworkers, not necessarily my workload.

Not much else going on here in VA.

The other day I got into an agency van to go on a home visit, put it in gear, looked back to back out of the parking space, let up on the brake and promptly hit the curb. It helps when you put it in reverse as opposed to drive. Good thing it was a curb and not another car.

I've gotten incredibly lazy in my old age. Maybe that's where my extra 25 pounds has come from. Yesterday I told myself I was going to get up at 6 and go run (or jog...or walk). I woke up at 5:55, looked at the clock, laughed and said "yeah right" and then went back to sleep.

I'm so motivated. You're jealous, I know.

Maybe I'll join a gym when I start my new job.

I've got nothing else. I feel like I told Cristina everything on the phone. And since Cristina is one of 2 people I know who read my blog, it feels rather redundant.

I want a motorcycle. Bad. Wifey doesn't want me to get one. I'm tempted to get one anyways. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

I also want a new car. Not as much as I want my motorcycle though.

Okay I'm done.

Eek!

This afternoon has been dragging for me and my coworkers. So I decided to spice things up by hiding under Rachel’s desk while she went to fax something. My coworker Jennifer knew what I was doing, so she kept an ear out. Rachel came back and went to sit down and I grabbed her leg and said “boo!” She screamed, and Linda and Jenny came running, while Jennifer started laughing. Linda thought it was a mouse. I popped my head out and said “nope! Just me!” Hilarious. I then related the stories of when Jennifer and I were younger and I hid under mom and dad’s bed and grabbed her leg, or the time when I grabbed mom’s leg under the bathroom stall.

You can never be too careful when I'm around....

The powers that be have cancelled the soap opera

I haven't heard back from Mike. I even sent him an email asking if he was ever going to email me back. Eh. I'm sure I'll hear from him again in 10 years.

Response

So let's remember - I asked him why he emailed me, what was going on, etc. This is the response. Forgive his lack of punctuation and correct English.

i don't know why I e mailed you. I wasted the last eleven years of my life and I guess with no family or friends stumbling across you at classmates might help me re focus. I was idling when you met me, full of potential but no desire to do anything with it. you gave me a reason to try to be someone. when we broke up i TURNED MY BACK ON THE POSSIBIBILITY OF HAVING A "NORMAL" LIFE sorry not yelling or trying to give u a guilt trip. I miss being young and i miss being able to trust. My wife has left me wondering as to whether or not she was off cheating and you remember that based on size I shoudn't worry.... but I have caught her places and she has left for a day and left me with her two plus our baby and before we got married I had a sperm test and a biopsy of my testicle that left the doctor to say no children then 9 mos later after leaving for 10 hours I find her at a phone booth 3 weeks later and she has a pregnancy test..... He looks so much like her I can;t tell and I don't want a dna test because what if hes not mine then I;ve invested again and get hurt again and he gets hurt so I'm trying to suck it up trust her love her and the kids and my whole life revolves around her and this. I'm not a cheater I've never given her a reason to worry about it but she does and as for a job i'm a carpenter/plumber/painter/landscape architect/pothead/ and I wish I could start it all over I can't breathe, I was diagnosed with bronchieactesis in 05 and still smoke cigarettes. I'm a loser and I wanted you to know. I'm sorry for laying this on you I don't mean anything by it I don't want you to personalize this just know that our time together meant a lot and I know you did care so if you still do care take all this with a grain of salt.

So I again wrote him back and told him several times to stop smoking pot. I also told him that maybe there's an emotional disconnect and that's why she's cheating. I said "it's not always about sex." And I don't know why he's reminding me that I should know he doesn't have to worry about his size - I know nothing of his size as I didn't go near that area. I don't like boys.

I also told him that he needs to forget about who actually fathered the kid, and that if he loves him he should be his daddy no matter what.

I feel like this is a bad soap opera. I don't like watching because it's the same thing each time, but I keep finding myself drawn back into it.

Eh. Whatever. I'm still checking my email frequently.

A response

So after I emailed Mike saying "it's been 10 years...what's up?" he replied with the following.

"got married five years ago to a friend from middle school she had two daughters and I jumped in thought i was ready and she had a baby boy michael dylyn 9 2 04 we split up 12-05 got back together 9-06 and it is rocky at best shes jealous and i could get thrown out for doing this as harmless as it is . I;m proud of your choice of careers. I can't remember how much i told u about my life prior to fluvanna but yeah i admire u."

What the hell?

So I wrote back thanking him for appreciating my job (it's not every day someone says that to me), and then I said "What are you doing these days? What makes it rocky, and why the hell are you emailing me if it's going to get you thrown out?" I haven't gotten a response back yet.

It'll probably be another 10 years before I hear from him again.

It's getting annoying. I don't like when people magically reappear in my life, say two things to me, and then disappear all over again. It's frustrating. And despite my best efforts, I'm actually worried about him. I know he's probably still an ass, but I still wanted him to be better than how he was brought up. I think most of my concern is for the kids in his home. I don't think he would do anything to them, but I wonder if he has a volatile relationship with that woman that is impacting the kids. DAMN MY CPS BACKGROUND!!!

I've decided I don't care at all anymore. I'm no longer curious to know where he's been and what he's doing.

I don't care.

And because I don't care, I'm going to keep checking my email every 5 minutes, just to reinforce this thought.

My past continues to haunt me

As a senior in high school, I met a guy named Mike. The spring prior to my graduation, we started dating. We dated through my freshman year of college, and then broke up. Our break up wasn't pretty, to say the least. Unbeknownst to him, part of the reason we broke up was because I discovered I like girls, and had actually been in a relationship with one, while still dating him. I didn't tell him that, but instead decided to say that we simply "drifted apart." That and he was a controlling asshole. For example, one day when I was home for a visit, I went bowling with my sister. My sister and I didn't hang out much and I was excited that she had invited me somewhere with her and her friends. So we're bowling, and then there's a page over the intercom with my name and "Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone." What the hell? So I answer it, and it's Mike. "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm washing my car moron - I'm bowling, what the hell else would I be doing at the bowling alley?" At this point, I was pretty annoyed. He stammered some reply that he just wanted to call me blah blah blah. I told him I was trying to have a fun afternoon with my sister, and that I was ending our conversation and getting back to bowling.

There was another incident when he wouldn't stop groping me in the school parking lot. After I had repeatedly told him to stop. I had to exit the car to get him to stop. But for whatever reason, I didn't end the relationship. No - we never had sex, I wouldn't let him. Looking back, I suppose it was because I didn't like boys, but I didn't really know that then. I just knew I didn't want to have sex.

Fast forward to us breaking up. I don't remember the actual breaking up part or how it happened. I just remember what happened after. He was bitter. I was bitter. It just wasn't pretty. I went to our county carnival one day and ended up being the person inside the dunking booth. He spent $25 trying to dunk me to no avail. And the best part was that he didn't say anything while doing it, but I kept running my mouth to him, which only pissed him off more. He finally just left.

A few days later, I was at a picnic with a bunch of friends, and he was there. He came up to me while I was sitting on the front porch of the house. He held out his hand as if to shake mine and said "Hi, I'm Mike." I looked up at him and coldly said "I know who you are." He then slapped me with the same open hand. Reflex took over and I automatically thrust my fist into his waiting stomach. He stumbled off balance backwards into the railing. Without raising my voice, and without getting up from my chair, I said "Don't you EVER hit me again." He muttered something like an apology and ran (literally ran) off the porch, and I didn't see him again. Until...

Sophomore year of college he calls me one night and tells me he's outside my dorm. Time, being the great healer it is, allowed me to speak to him and even have dinner with him. It was late, so I graciously offered him the floor of my dorm room. As we're getting ready to go to sleep, he made some comment about how he'd rather be in the bed with me. I told him he was lucky I was even allowing him to sleep on the floor. I remembered again why I broke up with him in the first place, and wondered why he bothered coming to see me at all, knowing it wasn't going to be what he wanted. He left the next day and again dropped off the face of the planet.

That was 10 years ago. I've often wondered what happened to him - if he ended up in jail, did he get married, have kids, etc. See - if it weren't for Meredith showing me the error of my ways (ie - I liked girls), I would have married Mike. That was our plan. The official engagement would have happened after sophomore year, and we would have gotten married after graduation.

Mike didn't have the best of lives. He was abused when he was little, physically and sexually, and his mom was a raging alcoholic (and probably still is). He worked out incessantly to get bigger muscles. He felt that if he were bigger, people would leave him alone - having the impression that he wasn't someone they could mess with. After I graduated, one of our teachers was awarded custody of Mike. He stayed at her house with her family constantly because he didn't like to be at home. A few months after though, he went back to his mom's house because he felt guilty for leaving her.

I suppose I shouldn't be sharing personal details about him, but I feel that you need to know these things so you can understand where I'm coming from. He had lots of good things in his life, that he let go or gave up on. He had a full ride to VMI, but left after less than 4 hours there. I always wondered if he got over all that and did something for himself - to better his life - for once.

At any rate, now, 10 years later, I open my yahoo email and see his name. It was a funny feeling I got. Nervous. My stomach fell out, and I'm not sure where it went. I'm surprised I didn't throw up and/or didn't have to take immodium. Just odd. I can't explain it. It's not like I'm excited to hear from him, or want to see him, or that some old longing (yeah right) came back. I can't put my finger on it. His email was short, and somewhat cryptic. He told me he found me on classmates, and that if I was "curious" I could write him back. He also said "Ps - I need a friend" He signed it with a nickname that I used to call him.

My feeling is not quite nostalgic - I wonder if it's fear. But that's not really it either. I am curious and do want to know what he's been up to and why he suddenly wants me as his friend after no contact for 10 years. Part of my feeling is hopeful - that he is well and has turned things around. I know that some of what I am feeling is concern - what could be so terribly wrong in his life that he reaches out to his ex-girlfriend from 10 years prior? And then concern that I now have stalker.

At any rate, it's a bundle of feelings that ultimately make me uncomfortable. But not that uncomfortable that I didn't write him back. I simply said "hey you - what's going on." However, at this point, I would not feel safe meeting him somewhere. And that definitely makes me nervous that I have those little voices (no, not those voices), telling me it's not a good idea to meet him in person. I don't even get that with my clients.

But that's all I have right now. A strange feeling, a cryptic email, and anticipation of another email.

I think part of me wishes he hadn't emailed in the first place.

Happy Birthday Cristina! Love you and miss you!

Why I love Easter

Tax dollars hard at work

This is the following email conversation this morning with my sister.

Jennifer: Yahoo had a picture of a gas sign that had $3.99 -- and that was the cheap stuff. I think premium was $4.19. Holy crap. I'm going to have to get a horse.

Mel: Try a moped. With a basket. They get great gas mileage.

Jennifer: Picture it: me, on a moped, bicycle basket with flowers strapped to the front, Peyton in a car seat behind me, both of us in full face motorcycle helmets. Puttering over the mountain.. . and almost at the top of the mountain I'll be crouched over the handlebars, willing the moped to make it. . .

Mel: An artists' rendering....

and then i attached the following:

Man I love Paint

Oh for the love of Mary Poppins

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

oh the excitement

Tuesday. 2:00pm. I'm at the home of a client and her small child (21 months). I'm sitting on the couch, and the kid is in front of me, leaning against my knees, and coloring on all of my papers and files. Cute. I ask mom if kid has any medical conditions. Mom says "She's got MRSA." I lean back and think "great. just great." So then mom proceeds to tell me all about the kids "boil" on her back that is draining. Gross. I'm becoming more and more concerned as the kid continues to lean against me and draw all over my stuff. So I end the conversation, grab my crayon-ed stuff, and get the heck out of their house. I then call back to the office and ask if I need to go to the doctor. We decide that I should go and find out what precautionary measures I need to take. Doc says "wash your hands" and that if I develop a rash, blisters, or fever in the next week or so to come back.

Today. 9:00am. I'm absent-mindedly scratching my right hand near the thumb. "Boy that really itches" I think to myself. Then I look down and realize I have developed a patchy, red, bumpy, itchy spot on my hand. It's the size of a quarter. Oh shit I have MRSA. I decide to wait to see what happens to it. Meanwhile, it itches like crazy and I'm trying not to scratch. I go to the bathroom and strip to make sure I have no other rashy parts. Phew - nothing else. Before lunch it still hasn't gone away, so I make an appointment to go back to the doctor.

Now I don't know if any of you have conversations about lice. Here at the office, because of the families we work with, it's a frequent topic of conversation. Whenever it comes up, we all feel itchy as if we have lice ourselves. Similar thing happened with me today. As soon as I notice this rashy area, I suddenly begin to itch at other areas. My stomach. Neck. Head. Arm. Leg. "It's spreading!" Just kidding. I'm obviously imagining things.

2:15. Go to doctor. "It's definitely not MRSA." Thank goodness, but now I feel like a moron. Doc says "have you come into contact with any animals, new lotions, etc." Nope. Nada. "Well...my partner is taking Augmentin. I'm allergic to it, but I know I can't get it from touching it, so I don't know what it could be." Doc says "actually...if you broke out in a really bad rash from it, it's possible it could cause minor skin irritation if you come into contact with it." So now I can't touch Kim's meds, and she's gonna need to wash her hands before touching me after taking it.

So that's been my fun week. MRSA anyone?

My nephew is the cutest ever.

I feel smart

Well Cris, I figured it all out. I changed/updated it so it's easy like yours. I'm excited. Maybe now I'll blog more....

Alas...

It must have been me that couldn't figure how to change things on my blog. Dammit! I hate admitting that there's something I'm not good at. Even if this is the first thing I'm not good at....Thanks bunches to my personal technical support person. You're amazing.

In other news, I haven't been able to fall asleep until approximately 2am. Needless to say, falling asleep at 2 (or 3) is not conducive to having to wake up at 6:30. This delightful pattern has continued for about 2 weeks now, and frankly, I'm tired of it. Hahahahaha! Tired of it...not sleeping... get it? Apparently my lack of sleep has also made me delirious. I may attempt to curl up on the floor of my office for a little nap today. And when I get home, I'm going to take an Ambien and hopefully that will help.

I'm hungry.

Can I complain about anything else? Hmm....lemme see....

I think that's it. For now.

I'm going to go have some cheese with my whine. Wow. Now I'm so tired I've resorted to stupid things we used to say in college.

I really need to get some sleep.

pressure

So a certain someone is pressuring me to blog. So here ya go. I even changed it my background. I tried to edit some other things, but either my computer wasn't cooperating or the website wasn't. Since I don't understand a damn thing about doing your own website, it's possible it's my fault. But I prefer to blame it on technology.

I really have nothing new to report. I'm going to try once more to change things on my blog. We'll see if it happens. Maybe if it works, I'll be so excited I'll blog again.