As a senior in high school, I met a guy named Mike. The spring prior to my graduation, we started dating. We dated through my freshman year of college, and then broke up. Our break up wasn't pretty, to say the least. Unbeknownst to him, part of the reason we broke up was because I discovered I like girls, and had actually been in a relationship with one, while still dating him. I didn't tell him that, but instead decided to say that we simply "drifted apart." That and he was a controlling asshole. For example, one day when I was home for a visit, I went bowling with my sister. My sister and I didn't hang out much and I was excited that she had invited me somewhere with her and her friends. So we're bowling, and then there's a page over the intercom with my name and "Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone." What the hell? So I answer it, and it's Mike. "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm washing my car moron - I'm bowling, what the hell else would I be doing at the bowling alley?" At this point, I was pretty annoyed. He stammered some reply that he just wanted to call me blah blah blah. I told him I was trying to have a fun afternoon with my sister, and that I was ending our conversation and getting back to bowling.
There was another incident when he wouldn't stop groping me in the school parking lot. After I had repeatedly told him to stop. I had to exit the car to get him to stop. But for whatever reason, I didn't end the relationship. No - we never had sex, I wouldn't let him. Looking back, I suppose it was because I didn't like boys, but I didn't really know that then. I just knew I didn't want to have sex.
Fast forward to us breaking up. I don't remember the actual breaking up part or how it happened. I just remember what happened after. He was bitter. I was bitter. It just wasn't pretty. I went to our county carnival one day and ended up being the person inside the dunking booth. He spent $25 trying to dunk me to no avail. And the best part was that he didn't say anything while doing it, but I kept running my mouth to him, which only pissed him off more. He finally just left.
A few days later, I was at a picnic with a bunch of friends, and he was there. He came up to me while I was sitting on the front porch of the house. He held out his hand as if to shake mine and said "Hi, I'm Mike." I looked up at him and coldly said "I know who you are." He then slapped me with the same open hand. Reflex took over and I automatically thrust my fist into his waiting stomach. He stumbled off balance backwards into the railing. Without raising my voice, and without getting up from my chair, I said "Don't you EVER hit me again." He muttered something like an apology and ran (literally ran) off the porch, and I didn't see him again. Until...
Sophomore year of college he calls me one night and tells me he's outside my dorm. Time, being the great healer it is, allowed me to speak to him and even have dinner with him. It was late, so I graciously offered him the floor of my dorm room. As we're getting ready to go to sleep, he made some comment about how he'd rather be in the bed with me. I told him he was lucky I was even allowing him to sleep on the floor. I remembered again why I broke up with him in the first place, and wondered why he bothered coming to see me at all, knowing it wasn't going to be what he wanted. He left the next day and again dropped off the face of the planet.
That was 10 years ago. I've often wondered what happened to him - if he ended up in jail, did he get married, have kids, etc. See - if it weren't for Meredith showing me the error of my ways (ie - I liked girls), I would have married Mike. That was our plan. The official engagement would have happened after sophomore year, and we would have gotten married after graduation.
Mike didn't have the best of lives. He was abused when he was little, physically and sexually, and his mom was a raging alcoholic (and probably still is). He worked out incessantly to get bigger muscles. He felt that if he were bigger, people would leave him alone - having the impression that he wasn't someone they could mess with. After I graduated, one of our teachers was awarded custody of Mike. He stayed at her house with her family constantly because he didn't like to be at home. A few months after though, he went back to his mom's house because he felt guilty for leaving her.
I suppose I shouldn't be sharing personal details about him, but I feel that you need to know these things so you can understand where I'm coming from. He had lots of good things in his life, that he let go or gave up on. He had a full ride to VMI, but left after less than 4 hours there. I always wondered if he got over all that and did something for himself - to better his life - for once.
At any rate, now, 10 years later, I open my yahoo email and see his name. It was a funny feeling I got. Nervous. My stomach fell out, and I'm not sure where it went. I'm surprised I didn't throw up and/or didn't have to take immodium. Just odd. I can't explain it. It's not like I'm excited to hear from him, or want to see him, or that some old longing (yeah right) came back. I can't put my finger on it. His email was short, and somewhat cryptic. He told me he found me on classmates, and that if I was "curious" I could write him back. He also said "Ps - I need a friend" He signed it with a nickname that I used to call him.
My feeling is not quite nostalgic - I wonder if it's fear. But that's not really it either. I am curious and do want to know what he's been up to and why he suddenly wants me as his friend after no contact for 10 years. Part of my feeling is hopeful - that he is well and has turned things around. I know that some of what I am feeling is concern - what could be so terribly wrong in his life that he reaches out to his ex-girlfriend from 10 years prior? And then concern that I now have stalker.
At any rate, it's a bundle of feelings that ultimately make me uncomfortable. But not that uncomfortable that I didn't write him back. I simply said "hey you - what's going on." However, at this point, I would not feel safe meeting him somewhere. And that definitely makes me nervous that I have those little voices (no, not those voices), telling me it's not a good idea to meet him in person. I don't even get that with my clients.
But that's all I have right now. A strange feeling, a cryptic email, and anticipation of another email.
I think part of me wishes he hadn't emailed in the first place.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
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