These are a few of my favorite things.

1. The sound of music
2. motorcycles
3. giraffes
4. warm rainy days
5. the beach
6. snowboarding
7. old SNL
8. clean sheets
9. a good book
10. eating out
11. roller coasters
12. playing outside
13. volleyball
14. music
15. Lucy Liu
16. puppies
17. kittens
18. fuzzy caterpillars
19. peyton
20. going home
21. hugs
22. softball games
23. lava lamps
24. the word “flail”
25. strangers in the night
26. tubing
27. going to the movies
28. jeopardy
29. making things for friends
30. barnes and noble
31. helping people move
32. peanuts (the food, not the comic)
33. gossamer (the big hairy red monster from bugs bunny)
34. ice cream
35. my jmu mesh shorts

New Surgeon General Warning.

One should not eat Taco Bell on day 1, then on day 2 consume “authentic” Mexican food at El Charro, and wrap it up on day 3 by eating a hot pocket for lunch.

It just ain’t pretty folks.

For the wonderful, beautiful Cristina.

Because she asked. I feel like all I ever talk about on here is work or Kim, so I’m gonna change it up. Give you my new year’s resolutions now, because I know I’m never going to accomplish them. In no particular order they are:

1. get in touch and stay in touch with friends
2. take more trips
3. lose 15 of the 25 pounds I gained since last January
4. work harder
5. not procrastinate
6. fix my car
7. save more money
8. appreciate myself
9. smell the roses
10. go hiking more
11. drive because I want to (with no particular destination)
12. write letters to people
13. read more
14. read my books from school (since I didn’t read them in school)
15. make a plan for when I leave DSS
16. visit the following friends who reside in other states: Cristina, Laurie, Kay, Amy
17. like myself more
18. be more assertive
19. make more lists for my blogs because it’s easier
20. blog more

I think that’s enough of my list. Maybe I’ll think of another one later.

Work shmurk.

Work…it’s not really any better. I’m counting down the months until I can leave. Which is sad. I mean, I like it here, but at the same time I don’t. I came back for two major reasons (aside from the fact I was contracted to) – Roy and Mandy. My two best friends here, who kept me sane, and who I loved hanging out with. Little did I realize how much things would change in the two years I was gone. Mandy no longer has time for anything other than work, school, and her family. I have to schedule an evening where the two of us can go to dinner together. And that’s only happened once. I have only seen Nicolas 2 or 3 times since I’ve been back. And I’ve been back almost a year (it’ll be a year on Jan. 18). And Roy – he left for Texas in March, and prior to that he had a girlfriend. Now they’re engaged. He’s back, but I haven’t talked to him or seen him. So basically, the major reasons keeping me here no longer exist. I was stupid to think that things wouldn’t change. I also think I’m retreating back into my shell. I enjoyed being in Richmond and Charlottesville because I could be out. I liked that feeling. I don’t have that here. I’m scared to be out here. And I will do anything to protect it, but in the same time, I’m losing what sense of self I had found in Richmond.

So I’m counting down the days until I can leave. Although I don’t know what I will do afterwards. I said that I wouldn’t do CPS again, but I’m not sure. It makes me feel bad though if I left to do DSS somewhere else. Like I’m saying to my old coworkers that I don’t like them and I needed a new environment. I love them, but I’m pulling away more and more. But then I think I’m probably pulling away because I know I’m going to leave. The same thing I do with everyone. Anyhoo – I also thought about going somewhere that I can work on my LCSW. What I really want is to go live on that island…with a handful of good friends, a volleyball, some cards, and a good book.

I think there’s something wrong with me.

This past Monday marked the fifth year anniversary of 9/11. There was stuff all over tv, newspapers, etc. about it. Mandy and I chat some about it, she talks about how she got really upset and cried like a baby that night because of it. Then I read NY Mandy’s blog and how it affected her. Then today I see Cristina’s blog about it. And I still just don’t care. Yeah, it was a tragedy, and a lot of innocent people died, but for whatever reason, I’m not bothered by it. I mean, I want to go see where the trade centers were, but I think it’s more out of curiosity than out of homage to those who lost their lives. So I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I remember that day – and trying to call Laurie to find out if her mom was okay because she lives in NY, trying to call Kay to find out if her parents were okay – they live in DC, calling Kirsten to find out if she was okay (I still don’t know why) – she lives in DC, etc. but that was it. I only know of one person that I know that worked in the trade center and he got out. I even know his story about that day. I still have that “eh, whatever” feeling though. So what the hell is wrong with me? Maybe it’s because I think the US is finally receiving the same treatment its been doling out for years. Maybe I think it’s because countless innocent people have lost their lives due to our stupid president. Maybe I look at the bombing of Hiroshima and all those people that died at the hands of the US, and I think – hey – it happens. And now it’s happened here, now we know what it feels like. Perhaps I’ve just given up altogether on the idea that countries might be able to solve their problems without killing people. I guess I’ve just resolved to accept it for what it is – senseless acts by those who think killing people will accomplish something. And in 800 years from now, when they finally grow up and realize war is not the answer to *any* problem, it’s just not going to matter to me anymore. I think I also figure I’m going to die one way or the other – so I just don’t care if it’s from some plane crashing into my place of work or if I slam my car head-on into a tree. 9/11 has made me realize that I need to tell people that I love them, and make every effort to spend time with them because you never know what could happen. But I don’t get all emotional about it. It just is. Kind of like “okay, it happened, let’s move on.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t forget it – but we don’t need to linger…we don’t need to retaliate.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is: 9/11. I just don’t care. And I feel guilty that I don’t care. But I have my reasons. And I think they’re valid.

Swiss Cake Rolls and Marital Bliss.

I must say that being married feels no different than the “dating” we were doing before. I mean, the actions don’t feel different. Some of the emotions felt a little stronger the week following (I cried at the drop of a hat), but I think even that is waning some. Thank goodness. However, it is interesting to see how things are put in different perspective now. For example: yesterday my mom and I went to see my grandfather at the rehab/nursing home (I hate going). He was sitting in his wheelchair in the lobby, looking out the window waiting for my grandmother to arrive for her daily visit. So then it got me thinking about Kim and I and what if one of us were in his situation – how it would feel to sit at the window all morning waiting for the other to come visit. And of course thinking about that made me cry. Then I started thinking about the fact that we live in Virginia and if I were in the hospital ICU or something she wouldn’t be able to visit me because it’s “family only.” Damn Virginia is retarded. You know what? If it’s my effing hospital room, I should be able to have a guest list. If I’m paying for the damn treatment, I get to say who can sit with me or not.

On a lighter note, Kim bought me more swiss cake rolls since I bitched non-stop about how my roommate ate 7 packs (from a 12 pack box) in three days. I came home on Thursday to discover one measly little pack left. I can’t wait to be out of that house (and living with my sweetie).

AAACCCKKK!!

The ceremony is in 9 days. I’m getting a *tad* nervous. Okay, maybe a lot nervous. I think there are more people coming than I had originally planned, and I get nervous in front of people.

I had a note on my desk today from Vicki – the woman who is performing the ceremony. It said “What is the alternate plan if it rains?” I wrote back “UMBRELLAS.”

Oh the joy. Do straight people have this level of anxiety about the big day?

All systems are go…

The wedding is on, the anxiety is up, and trish has moved to texas. Yee haw! There really was no need for me to panic – I just like to freak out and think the worst. I’m *REALLY* good at that. It’s one of my strengths.

In the meantime, Kim and I are planning on moving to the thriving metropolis of Harrisonburg. Being in the ‘burg again should be interesting. I’ll be happy to have Klines and Mr. J’s frequently again. Oooh and Daves! Yum. If only they had a Krispy Kreme and an Olive Garden I’d be set. And weigh 300 pounds. But who really cares?

I was voted “most polite” at my class reunion 2 weeks ago. I guess because I didn’t trash talk anyone too loudly. What the hell were they thinking????

ri-dic-u-lous.

The wedding may or may not happen at this point. This weekend will determine all. Kim’s ex has been causing problems, and now Kim is all confused. When it ended between them (badly, I might add) Kim never really got over it before I came on the scene in an attempt to sweep her off my feet. Anyhoo – now Trish is moving to Texas and is saying how she still loves Kim and wants to be with her blah blah friggin blah. And because Kim is so open and honest, she’s telling me all about her struggle. So basically, I got the invitations to give to people, but I haven’t handed them out because I don’t know what the hell is going on. At any rate, this weekend while I’m having a joyous time at my class reunion, Kim is going to be hashing things out with Trish. So I suppose by Sunday I’ll know if we’re on for a wedding or not. But then I think am I a friggin moron? Why should I want to be with this person who may or may not want to be with me? Because I think poor Kim is confused. I know she wants to be with me, but she wonders the “what if” part because of how things between her and Trish ended. I can’t say I blame her really. I mean, if any of my exes came back and said they’d want to be with me again, I would consider it. If only to eff them over like they did me. Except Kay. She didn’t screw me over. But Meredith and Kirsten certainly did. Anyhoo – the sad thing is that thinking about Kim and Trish getting back together doesn’t really bother me. At least not at this point. The only thing that bothers me is having to tell everyone the wedding is off. Especially Laurie and Catrina, since they bought plane tickets and everything. But I think they’d be understanding. And I would definitely offer to pay for part of their tickets to come out here anyhow. If they can’t get their money back. I don’t know how that works. I guess I’ll just feel like an idiot. “Just kidding – I’m not really getting married.” I wonder if that’s how my sister felt when she and her fiancée broke up. Hey – it’s actually family tradition. My brother had a fiancée and they broke up, my sister had a fiancée and they broke up – I guess now it’s my turn. Ha! That actually does make me feel better. And puts a fun spin on it. Whatever. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Whichever way you hope it works out.

Oh it’s so bittersweet.

I can’t believe it. One of the “straight” women I have admired from afar….is now dating a woman. There is a God after all. But she isn’t dating me. Oh the cruelty….
Wait. I have a woman. Nevermind. But I am still *slightly* jealous.

O my

That little problem i was having has ceased to be a problem.....

Thank God.

Whatever happened to…

The little girl who had all the self-confidence in the world?
The girl who showed no fear?
The girl who didn’t have a care in the world?
The young woman who was talented, popular and athletic?
The young woman who worked her ass off to graduate after being suspended from JMU?

She has been replaced by…
The woman who is apathetic, boring, and lazy (and apparently redundant because apathetic can mean lazy).
The woman who graduated from VCU, but didn’t put forth any effort.
The woman who has forgotten everyone but her significant other.
The woman who never has a minute to herself, other than in her car, which is not where she wants to spend it.
The woman who wants to work out, but claims doesn’t have the time.
The woman who puts forth no effort to salvage friendships.
And the woman who wonders where it all went so drastically wrong….

Untitled.

I’ve decided that the thing I hate the most in the world is watching your friendship with someone slowly fade away and being powerless to stop it.

I love my job.

Not only do I get paid and have gov’t benefits – I receive the following…
A 5% raise for my MSW
A coworker brings me lunch
Today they threw me a party
And gave me $200 towards my ipod
SWEET!

oh the things that annoy me

Stupid people
Stupid drivers who think they can speed past you in the right lane
Stupid drivers who go 45mph in the left lane
People who are convinced that they’re always right (I’m excluded from this because I’m wrong maybe once a year, and can admit to it)
Parents who ignore their children
Birds
Gnats
The walmart greeter
Salesclerks who follow you around asking if they can help you even though you’ve clearly stated “I don’t need any help.”
Traffic
Unlabled donut bins – how am I supposed to know what flavor is on the inside without sticking my finger in it?
Gay marriage bans
people who still refer to African Americans as “colored.”
When advil doesn’t work
When people back into my car and don’t have the balls to own up to it
Balls

Okay – I think that’s enough for now. And yes – this is different from cris’ “dislike” list….

My first list.

My top 10 favorite words…in no particular order…
Flail
Banana
Aardvark
Antidisestablishmentarianismists
Meander
Bonkers
Kazoo
Snooze
Debacle (duh – bah – cull)
Finagle

Things that go bump in the night.

Yesterday I went to food lion. Got some groceries, came home and did some laundry. This morning I go to leave the house and notice that there’s something on my front bumper (passenger side). I go closer. It looks like paint or that paint is missing from my car. Then I notice that my bumper isn’t lined up correctly. ASSHOLES! The only thing I can figure is that someone backed into me at Food Lion and then drove off. I didn’t notice it because it’s on the passenger side, and I walked to my car from the driver side. BASTARDS! I haven’t reported it to the insurance people because I don’t want my rates to go up (this would be the second problem in 6 months). I tried pushing it back in place but it wouldn’t go. I’m going to have to go get an estimate. Hopefully it won’t be more than a couple hundred. CRAP-O-LA.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

Coworkers were talking about stupid senator kennedy and his recent escapades in the middle of the night. One of my coworkers said “what senator was that?” because she came in midway and had to find out what was going on (as usual). I said “kennedy” and walked out of the room. As I’m going down the hall she says “Is he from Shenandoah county?”

Idiots. They’re everywhere.

Little green monster.

I want the kind of friendships with people that make other people jealous. The kind where other friends say “I wish I were that close with (insert name here).” But no, instead I have those friendships with people who no one else likes anyway. And I get the feeling that no one wants to be my friend like that – no one is jealous that they aren’t good friends with me. I haven’t figured out what it is or why that happens. All I know is that I’m jealous of a friend’s friendship and I want to be just as close to one of them, and it’s never going to happen, and I don’t know why.

And since I’m on the topic of friendship – I did it again. I went to school and came away with hardly any people to call friends. JMU – how many people did I interact with? And how many people do I still keep in touch with? Hmmm…the answer is a whopping 5. Cris, Fatty, Laurie, Kay, Elizabeth. Then there’s Amy and Rachel, who I’m in contact with sporadically. That’s it. I spent 3 years with people in the social work department, and I only stayed/made friends with Cris. But I don’t think she counts because she was in KKPsi. Well, she counts twice. Maybe that’s why we stayed friends. Actually – that’s probably accurate. Everyone else counts twice too because of band. Interesting…so I go to grad school – and I have one person I will probably talk to after graduation. And only then because she invited me to her wedding in October. I have no doubt our contact will cease after her marriage begins. Why do I do this? I can’t figure out why I obviously refuse to connect and bond with people. And maintain whatever friendship develops. There are several people at VCU I have made friends with; Alex, Steph, Shameika, etc. but I know I won’t keep in touch with them. Why???? A little help please….

I'm going to figure out who the poor are dammit.

I graduate next Friday from grad school, and for whatever godforsaken reason I am seriously contemplating getting my PhD. Am I a total and complete idiot? Wait, don’t answer that. I would love to be “Dr. Whitlow.” How cool would that be? Even the dissertation stuff doesn’t scare me – it’s the comprehensive exams before I can begin my dissertation that scares me. They’re written and oral! And probably 50 billion times worse than JMU’s undergrad versions (which now seem like cake). I think what I will do is finish out my indentured servitude here at DSS, move back to Cville or Richmond, and then go to VCU for my PhD. I think I’m just a sucker for punishment. It’s just good fun.

I got a new cell phone. It rocks. If I could figure it all out, it would rock even more. It apparently has the capability to be an MP3 player. Sweet! It’s the sprint version of the Razor. I like it. Although I think I should’ve paid bills before I bought the damn phone. Funny how I can’t pay my cell phone bill, but I can pay for a new phone that cost more than my cell phone bill….How does that happen?

I’m annoyed I can’t take time off work to go to NJ for Cris’ graduation. I’m annoyed that I have no opportunity to accrue time to take off work. I’m also annoyed that I had to take sick time for all my friggin doctors appointments. Which aren’t done yet. I want to be on daily meds, so I need to make an appointment to change my prescription. If they’ll let me. The original doctor said I didn’t need daily meds, but I want them. But she was at prompt care. I’m going to make an appointment with my regular doctor. Hopefully I’ll get off my lazy butt and make that appointment sometime this year.

Got to see P. Natty yesterday. Good times. He’s getting to be quite the chunk.

3 more weeks

until school is done. i will have my masters. well, technically i should have my masters. it all comes down to my research project, which hasn't even begun because i haven't recieved approval yet. bastards.
i've recently discovered how hypocritical i am. it's actually quite depressing. the other day i came back to the house in the morning after driving over from c'ville to discover roy had his new girlfriend spend the night. with her 5 year old son. i was annoyed. i shouldn't be, i'm never home, but it bothered me anyway. i actually thought to myself "if she's going to be here all the time, she needs to start paying rent. why can't they stay at her place?" and then i realized what an idiot i am. kim and i do the same thing to her roommate. her roommate is only there on the occasional friday night, and even then it's maybe twice a month. the rest of the time she's never home, but i wonder if she thinks the same thing of me. then i felt like crap about roy. but sometimes i would like to come home and not find some 5 year old kid that i don't know watching my tv. it's just kind of creepy sometimes.
the other day i came home and roy had his daughter there - she's really cute, but really spoiled and annoying. she told me she liked my pink seashell that i found at the beach. i told her thank you, but had no clue what the hell she was talking about. then i went in my room, and realized i had seashells on my dresser. what the hell is this kid doing going in my room? i have stuff in there that i know roy doesn't want her to find - and i make sure to keep my door shut. now i'm going to have to start locking it. or putting stuff up on the shelf in my closet so she can't get to it. i'm beginning to think that living with roy was not the best idea i've ever had. but whatever. i'm never there, so that makes it a little easier.

what's that on your neck?

kim left a hickey on my neck, and people at work keep asking about it. "my rash is spreading" i tell them. i have another UTI, so i blame it on the medication. these lies are getting out of hand. i'm not going to be able to keep up with them all. kim did it on purpose. it is funny though. i told her paybacks are a bitch.

marriage? what?

i can't believe that i've decided to jump on the committment bandwagon. this is ridiculous. basically, i just can't sit around and wait anymore for cristina to come to my side of the tracks. and frankly, i'm disappointed. i thought i could hold out...but apparently i was wrong. i suppose it's better this way though.

july 22. somehow i have to come up with an ass load of money to pay for all this. the ring, a hotel, etc. the ring itself is approx. $600. i don't know if it's going to cost more to get the inside engraved or not. so let's just say it'll be $650. then the hotel at the beach. and i'm going to pay to put laurie in a room for a night, and vicki in a room for a night. i'd pay for cris too, but she'd kick my ass. and i'm already going to pay for her plane ticket to maine.

i think my brain is messed up.

well, i must work on my presentation. it's tonight. perhaps i'll be ready by then.

eff me i forgot i had a paper due

i think that dating someone while attempting to finish your last semester in grad school is not a good idea. i'm definitely distracted. we got up this morning, and as i'm getting ready for school and to take kim to work, i realize that i have a paper due in my first class and i had completely forgotten about it. oops. so i rush to campus to type up my paper, which i just finished, which is crap. i also have another paper i was supposed to have finished, but i seem to have misplaced my jump drive for the time being and now i can't do it. i can't wait to tell my professor i don't have it done. she's not going to be happy with me. and it's really no excuse, because it should've been done a week ago. i need to get my act together. it doesn't help that i have senoritis and springtime-itis as well. dammit. but if i can find my stupid jump drive, i can have the one paper done and to my professor by tommorrow afternoon.
damn. gotta love school.
anyhoo - enough about school. now family/kim. so kim is african american. something my parents are most likely not going to like. kim knows this, and therefore doesn't want to hang around them. that bothered me until this morning. before coming to campus, i ran home to get some change for parking and grab something to eat. my mom had taken the day off, so i got to chat with her. note - i haven't come right out and told my parents kim and i are dating, but i'm pretty sure they know since that's where i stay every weekend. anyhoo - mom is trying to get me to pack up the rest of my stuff and get it out of the house. she made a comment this morning about how maybe one day instead of going to kim's i could come home and pack up my stuff. i said "maybe i'll make kim come help." my mom's response? "i don't think so." now, instead of asking for clarification and/or responding, i kept my mouth shut. now i don't know what mom meant. did she mean she doesn't want kim coming to the house? is it because mom doesn't like me dating a black woman? or does mom just not want kim to see my mess? i doubt that it has anything to do with kim seeing the messiness. i know this because i had mentioned something about you helping me pack/move and maybe getting mandy to help. no such comment was ever made to those suggestions. or maybe mom is just having a hard time dealing with my dating someone at all. who knows. but why is it that even though i'm 27 friggin years old, i can't speak my mind and ask questions of my parents? should i go back and ask mom what it meant? should i come right out and tell them i'm dating kim? i just have a hard time with that idea. i've always kept stuff from my parents regarding who i was dating. in 8th grade, mike gave me roses, a teddy bear, and some smelly lotions for valentines day. to this day, my dad still doesn't know who gave me that stuff. ridiculous. the whole incident this morning makes me wonder how i'd be able to have my parents come to my ceremony. then i think maybe i shouldn't have one at all. how can i invite my sister (knowing she's cool with everything) and not invite my parents? aaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk! i love being a social working and embracing diversity in a family that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

why do these things need a title?

i was in the doghouse again this weekend. it went something like this - kim was making fun of me, which is usually fine, but i thought she had finished and moved on. then i tried to give her a hug, and she again started laughing at me and pulled away. it hurt my feelings, and without really thinking i said f--- you. she really hates that. she has a history with that phrase, so it bothers her immensely. i realized what i had done after i said it. oops. and when kim gets mad, she stops talking to me, stops looking at me, everything. i hate it. but i guess that's the point. but by the next day i had kissed her ass enough that we were okay again. relationships are hard. i can't keep up with what i can and can't say, and always find myself saying the wrong thing. and then i feel like crap. but you know - i care so much for her (as evidenced by my proposal), and i don't want to lose her. it's an interesting feeling. i haven't felt like this since meredith, and i try not to let that count because it was one-sided. with kim she feels the same. its a different feeling having someone reciprocate what i'm feeling. at least for the moment. i'm still really scared that she's going to leave. she's scared i'm going to leave her too. we're both so tentative, it's ridiculous. all i know is that i want to be with her. and get her name tattooed on my body. just kidding cristina. well, not really, but i'm not doing it.

the much anticipated blog

For you Cristina - there are many parts to the Kim saga I have yet to reveal. The most major important one is that I asked her to marry me....

oh happy day

i finished my paper 15 minutes before my 1:00 class. then, i find out my 4:00 class is cancelled. halle-friggin-lleuah. the downside is that now i have to putz around until my 7:00 class - when my paper is due. i'm debating whether or not to go shopping. but then i'd have to pay for parking twice. or i can just sit here and type my 3rd blog entry for today.
i got highly annoyed in class today. we were discussing relationships, and our professor was talking about this couple he's working with who have been together for 17 years but aren't married. both were married before and were cheated on. so the dude in the relationship wants a committment from the woman. so we were discussing the couple getting married. i got pissed. i mean- isn't 17 friggin years a commitment? hellllooo!! what the hell is a piece of paper and a ring going to do to change their relationship? the dude needs to wake up. so she doesn't want to get married. that doesn't mean she isn't committed to him. i mean, 17 years for christsakes! and then people in class started arguing with me that marriage is more than just a piece of paper and a ring. yeah, but you know what - i can't legally have one, so i have to be content with whatever i've got. you straight people can f-ing suck it up. 17 years! if that's not committment, i'm f-ing the queen of england.

time is running out....

she has an hour left to write 2 pages. can she do it??? stay tuned....

paper? what paper?

i have 2 hours to complete my paper. i have approximately 4 pages left to type, but instead i'm creating a blog. thanks cristina. i'm blaming this one on you too.
it's so easy to slack off in my last semester of grad school - i have senoritis and a girlfriend. those two things should NEVER be put together. oh - and i have a pregnant sister. yeah, lets see where my priorities are. hmm...i think i won't jump on the list bandwagon yet - i'll save that for my next entry. yay.