how do you like dem apples?

Long time no blog

2010-12-08T14:34:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been almost a year since I last blogged, and I figured it was about time I did it again.
I was initially going to write a list of people/places/things I was grateful for, but I changed my mind. Although by the time I'm done typing, I may very well change my mind again.

I've decided to write about the past year. So here goes.

This year was a roller coaster. We went on a family vacation for the first time in 20 or so years. My mom and dad rented a house at the beach (Nags Head) and we all went down. Me, Kim (shocking that she went), sister, nephew, mom, dad, and grandmother. Then, 2 days after we got home, my grandmother passed away. I was glad that she got to go to the beach with us, but I jokingly said afterwards that all the family togetherness must've done her in. :) She was miserable when they moved in with my parents, and even more so after PopPop died last year, so at least that was over for her. After her death, my sister and I were able to go through all of her pictures, and PopPop's pictures. I don't know that we weren't allowed to before, but we never asked. In fact, I never knew that they had the photos that they do. It was amazing seeing them when they were younger - and seeing my grandmother in a bikini!

Kim and I have been doing well. No big changes to report there. Although she is trying to go back to school - community college, but trying to get her degree. She's also attempting to learn to drive. I told her next she's going to learn how to swim.

Lucy Jetta has been driving me crazy. She's had some rather expensive meltdowns this year. and then just today she wouldn't start (18 degree weather) before going to work. Putting in a new battery when it's that cold just isn't fun, and I don't recommend it. She's also stopped talking to me (the radio has stopped working). Which makes for a REEEAAAAALLLY boring and long commute to work. Even though it's only 20-30 minutes, it feels like eternity without music.

I bought a motorcycle. I have driven it more already this year (4 summerish months, about 1000 miles) which is more than I drove my last bike that I had for 2 years.

Work is okay, although it seems that most of my coworkers have a pretty negative attitude. I try to stay out of their conversations when it turns to negative things - especially about our supervisor/director. I don't have any issues with her, but it seems that most others do. One of my coworkers today actually said that they hated our boss. My thought was to tell her she can always quit, but I didn't dare.

Peyton has continued to grow and is turning into quite the handful. :) The other day I caught him saying "dammit." Hee hee. I told my sister, and they had a talk about it. He's only 4. I can't believe he'll be in school next year already. I feel sorry for those teachers....

One of Peyton's daycare friends (and the daughter of 2 people I went to school with) is 3. They just found out she has cancer. She had a grapefruit size tumor on her kidney. They removed it and her kidney because they were entertwined. That all just happened Monday. A friend's dad passed away from cancer this year too. It seems like cancer is running rampant this year. I don't like it.

Also this year, everyone has had babies, or is pregnant. I think Kim and I have come to the official decision that we aren't having kids. Some days I think that sucks, and other days I'm okay with it. We don't have enough money to have babies. And frankly, I don't think I really want that responsibility. I'm too selfish, and I like the freedom I have now without a kiddo.

I think that's all for my update. :)

2010-02-24T14:29:00.000-05:00

Helped are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

-Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar, 1989

Oh the snowiness of it all

2009-12-21T08:32:00.002-05:00

We got about 18 inches of snow at my house. Which equaled lots of shovelling. Does shovelling have one or 2 L's? Whatever.
I also helped shovel out neighbors that I had never met before. Good times. And I refused to take money or anything from her, so she gave me a hug instead. That's the best payment anyhow. But today, my shoulder is killing me. I'm getting too old for this crap.

Kim and I did drive around in it all yesterday. I love driving in the snow. My favorite is that I'm one of only a few cars - while everyone else is in their big, tough, 4 wheel drive vehicles. I don't need one!! And yesterday, a dude is in front of me at a stoplight (on a hill) and is spinning. Dumbass if you can't drive in it, stay home. I had to wait for trucks to pass us, then I backed down the hill some, to the pull around him and pass him. The inner me honked and waved at him, while the outside me put on a "I'm sorry" face as I passed him. LOVE IT!

This is why I continue to drive Jettas. I'm afraid that if I get a different vehicle, it's just not going to be the same.

Today I'm at work, and of course one of my coworkers is again out with another lame excuse. (this happens almost EVERY week) Today, as expected, it's because she's snowed in. In NOVA. Yeah right. They didn't get the snow we got. She's full of it. Last week it was a panic attack, and the week before that she thought she had appendicitis. I'm getting tired of covering her cases for her, but unfortunately, my boss isn't doing a damn thing about it. Whatever. I've even grown a set and complained to the boss about it.

I'm in a classical music phase. I've been listening in my car, while running, and at work. It's quite relaxing. You should try it. Rachmaninov is great (Rhapsody on a theme of Paganini) as well as Bolero by Ravel. Both are my favorites.

I give in

2009-12-11T15:22:00.000-05:00

blog blog blog. blog blog. blog blog blog blog, blog blog! blog blog, blog, blog blog blog blog. BLOG!!!!!!

Blog blog; blog blog, blog, blog blog blog blog, blog blog. blllllllllllllllllllllllllog.

I forgot to build the ark

2009-11-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, November 4th, I arrived at work to find a sign on the front door which said "Evacution in progress. Please report to the nurse." Yes, it said EVACUTION - not evacuAtion. I thought it was either a joke, or a drill. I go inside, tell the peeps in front that their sign is misspelled, and ask what's going on.
Not a drill.
I go into the main hallway which is COMPLETELY dark. Now mind you, we usually have a generator, which gets things up and running if the power goes out. There were no lights. And initially in the main hallway there aren't any windows. Oh joy.
I'm getting to the reason - gimme a second.
I check in with the nurse. I ask what the heck is going on. She says "we're evacuating down to Western State." I said "Are the kids already down there?" No. They're sitting in the dark on the unit. Luckily though - on the unit - there's a skylight and various windows.
Then I get with some of my other social work peeps to discuss.
The basement flooded. Rumor has it - 3 feet of water. Blew out everything. Lucky the generator didn't kick on - otherwise major electrocution.
So we sit around and wait. The kids have already packed their stuff and are ready to go - but WSH (Western State) has to prepare a place for us.
Oh, and did I mention that the doors in our building are electronic/magnetic? No power=no locks. We had a couple of kids realize that and run out, but not too much of mass chaos. Until administration told us to discharge as many kids as we could. That meant us social workers had to do work. With no phones. And no lights. And we had to call people to come get their kids? Hello cell phone minutes.
The flood happened shortly before 6am. Kids were told to get ready to move at 8am. Actual move occurred at 3:30pm. We load the kids up on little buses and head down the hill to our new digs. Which SUCK.
Keep in mind we're a mental health hospital. So everything is safe - no sharp anything, sprinklers out of reach, ceiling tiles out of reach, etc.
New digs - not so much. Low ceilings (I could reach them) with exposed sprinklers and lights, and kids had to bunk up with each other instead of having their own room. There were also no offices for any of the doctors, social workers, or admin staff. Most people were just milling about. Then we hear that our new digs are temporary, and they're working on another building.
Friday the 6th, we move again. After a coworker and I bust our asses helping to clean, move furniture, make beds, and get stuff from our orignial building. While several of my coworkers sat on their butts.
So Friday we move the kids AGAIN. And our stuff. AGAIN. Now we're here for the duration. This building is slightly better than the last, but still not as great as our original. We didn't have computer access until Tuesday. All of our work goes on an intranet site, shared folders, etc., which made things difficult until we got a computer again. I now have to share an office with 2 people instead of just one. I think I'm going to kill them both before it's over with.
Now the rumor is that the flood was 5 or 6 feet deep in the basement. Fact is that a water main broke where it comes into our building. It flooded out our entire mechanical system, our heating system, and our phones. They have to replace the boilers, get the electric up and running again, they've already fixed the broken pipe, and they have to redo the phone and internet stuff. We've been told it could be 3 months in this building.
The up side - this place has tunnels running from building to building. And the building next to us is empty - so it's pretty fun to go exploring. And my boss is no longer located in the same building as me, so we're having a good time.

Violet! You're turning Violet, Violet!

2009-10-05T14:26:00.004-04:00

So Kim bought me a Wii on Friday night. Needless to say, I've been playing it rather frequently since. And the sad thing is that I only have 2 games so far - one being the game that it comes with, and the other being fishing. I love fishing. It's fantastic. Kim was laughing at me last night fighting to reel in the big one. I plan on going home tonight to fish some more. Or play golf. Or bowling. I'm not sure yet. Maybe all of the above.

In other news, Gee Gee (grandmother) has surgery on Thursday for her breast cancer. So I'll be driving down to Richmond after work, and then back to Harrisonburg that same night. Good times. Expect a phone call - since I often call while driving.

I went to Nicolas' 12th birthday party on Saturday. I can't believe he's already 12. Which means that it's almost been 10 years since I (we) graduated from JMU. Where in the world has the time gone? When did I get old? Speaking of old - I keep discovering more and more gray hair. This is NOT fun.

Maybe I'll start coloring my hair. Yeah right. That'll happen the same time I decide to cut it differently and style it in the morning and use a blowdryer and hair product.
hahahahahahahaha

I signed up for this 5K in Harrisonburg the weekend of the 24th. I'm hoping a certain New Jersey someone will come down that weekend and walk/run it with me... (hint hint). Or if the New Jersey someone doesn't want to participate, they could cheer me on - it should only take about 45 minutes if I run it, so not a huge chunk out of the day - and plenty of time for us to do something ridiculous in the afternoon. HINT HINT.

Speaking of hints, I wonder what my surprise is....

Why do I feel like I'm just writing an email to Cristina?

I feel I should sign off with some witty quotation, but I can't think of anything. All I could come up with initially was one of my favorite lines from Willy Wonka, which I promptly put as my title. So maybe you'll get a quote next time.

there's a lot of this going around

2009-09-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

On Friday night, I get a facebook message from an old high school peep, asking me if I heard the news that a good high school friend had passed away. I hadn't heard. So I got the full story, and felt like crap-o-la, and all I've done all weekend is think about her.

I had known Heidi for what seems like forever. I don't recall her in kindergarten, but I do remember her from first grade on. In small rural counties you pretty much have the same people in your class year after year until graduation. So Heidi and I were in classes until our Junior year. 6th grade Heidi's dad died. We were getting ready to go on a field trip for school, and they came and got her off the bus and told her. He had been in a car accident. She was the youngest of 3 kids. Her brother Fleming was a year older. In 6th grade, we all pretty much avoided the topic of her dad dying. We didn't really understand grief or how to help a friend cope - we were all too young to figure it out.

I have a lot of fun/good memories of her. I remember sleeping over at her house and singing along to "Walk like an Egyptian" on her pocket rocker. Or climbing up in the treehouse. I remember Heidi "going with" Trevor for what seemed like years, but was only in reality a couple months in 6th grade. I remember my boyfriend breaking up with me to ask her out, but he was too shy so I asked her for him. Hilarious. That was also in 6th grade. Heidi was always first chair clarinet, and I was jealous. Until I finally beat her out for it at some point in high school. I think sophomore year. Then the next year I don't think she was in band anymore. Heidi always got straight A's, and she would've been one of our valedictorians. We had 3 but I digress. Sophomore year, Heidi decided she was going to graduate early. I remember trying to talk her out of it, but she was determined. She graduated with her brother, while the rest of us were still Juniors. In short, Heidi was smart, pretty, fun, and seemed to have a lot going for her. But I guess her internal issues started well before any of us knew. And then she graduated.

I lost touch with her after that. I know that 2 years later she had a kid. And married a guy who was rumored to be a jerk. Her brother suffered from depression, and on one night held Heidi and her mom hostage in their house with a gun. He threatened to kill himself. Law enforcement was called and they did nothing. Fleming shot himself that night, and when law enforcement arrived, Heidi assaulted them for not having responded to their earlier calls. She was found guilty of felony assault on an officer. Then I really don't know what happened with her. I heard through the grapevine that she made poor decisions, but that was about it. I always wondered where she was and what she was doing, and frequently tried to find her through Yahoo, Facebook, and MySpace, but never did.

Turns out she had some serious drug issues. On Friday the 4th, she drank a 5th of liquor and then injected insulin and succeeded in her suicide attempt, leaving behind her now 13 year old son. I don't know what was going on that made her decide this was her only option, but it makes me sad. Her mom didn't put an obituary in the paper because she didn't want people to know that her youngest child also committed suicide.

It's a hard thing for me to come to terms with because this is the first death of someone I knew for pretty much ever. I mean, we had people die when I was in school, but this is different. She was my friend, and although we lost touch over the years, I still thought about her frequently. At some point this week, I plan on pulling out all of my old pictures and making copies of them to send to her mom. I don't know if it will help her or make things worse, but it might be nice for her to have some reminder of when things were happy with Heidi. I'm glad that those are the memories I have, even though I wish we hadn't lost touch.

And now I wonder who else knows, or doesn't know. I feel like there are others who would like to know, but at the same time, I want to respect her mother's wishes. It's not an easy thing to admit to people that someone killed themself. I may ask Stephanie - who was the one who told me.

I think what really gets me though - is that Stephanie's message to me on FB was this: "Did you know that Heidi passed away? She always thought so much of you."

And it kills me. I almost feel guilty for not having kept in touch. Not that I think I could've saved her, but I could of at least been a better friend. Well, that and I always thought so much of her, but now she won't know.

Run Forrest! Run!

2009-08-24T15:38:00.002-04:00

I am going to run a 5 miler (8K) in November. I have no idea what possessed me to sign up. Although I have been running on the treadmill at the gym. And thanks to my buddy Eli, he advised me on what I need to be doing to lose weight. Which basically boils down to I need to do cardio out the wahzoo. On Friday I was on the treadmill for 40 minutes, which is a record for me. I almost died, but it was okay. I ran for 4 minutes and then would walk for 1. I did take a couple of really quick water breaks, but that was it. Then yesterday, I did the same 4 minute/1 minute deal, only for 45 minutes. I'm waiting for the pounds to magically disappear. But I'm trying to wait at least a week before I get on the scale. We'll see how long I last before I cheat.

And actually today I kept thinking that I want to go run after work. I don't know what's happened to me.

In other news, I have an intern assigned to me at work. She's fun. And I've decided that I'm not going to sugarcoat things and beat around the bush. I'm going to tell her exactly who she needs to watch out for and why. I'm going to tell her that Andrea will try and get her to do her work for her, and that Barb will try and get her to translate everything the entire time. A coworker thought I should be more dipolmatic about it, but I just can't. I have to tell her exactly - for fear that others will take advantage of her. And she's my intern to corrupt, not theirs. Dangit.

getting back to my roots

2009-08-03T14:43:00.002-04:00

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to

everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye and says
would you prefer the easy way
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

i wonder if everything i do
i do instead of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to

- Ani DiFranco Joyful Girl

Anal Annie (that sounds like a bad porn)

2009-07-22T15:38:00.003-04:00

I got my new tattoo, and I really like it. But since I haven't succumbed to societal norms, I don't have a digital camera with which to take a photo of it and then post it on here. I rely on my sister for that. Hopefully it will get done this weekend when I go home for birthday dinner. Don't get me wrong - I want a digital camera, but I'm so anal, I want a really expensive one, and refuse to buy a smaller cheaper one.

I love birthday dinner. My mom makes my favorite food, and favorite cake, and I get to spend time with the fam. Minus Kim of course, being the recluse she is. But that's okay. I'm kind of selfish about my family and my birthday, so I like it with just us. It's probably because when I was younger, I didn't get to have a birthday "party" with lots of friends. Mom and Dad would let me have one friend over and that was it. It also never helped that my birthday was in the summer. In fact, the one party I had (following my graduation from JMU) was a complete disaster. Remember that Cris? You gave me a pogo stick - which was the highlight of the entire event. It was actually a double birthday party held for me and Becca. I really think that I was just an afterthought - Thea and Kirsten had it in Kirsten's apartment. Maybe 2 weeks after K. cheated on me with T. Becca was probably the one who said they should have it for me too. MISERABLE. I only agreed to go because of Becca. Thank goodness Cris went with me, otherwise it would've been a complete horror story. But I digress.
I love birthday dinner with the fam.

The beach with Peyton and my sister was fun. However, I think I don't want kids of my own now. And I'm okay with that. I like hanging out with them, playing with kids, being a kid, and then letting them go home at the end of the day. I just don't want them full time. I don't want to be that responsible, or that patient. I am definitely NOT that patient.

I had my one year evaluation at work, and I'm no longer on my initial probationary period. YAY!! In fact, afterwards, my supervisor emailed me and told me she's glad I'm here. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. And since I've been here, I've gotten flowers from a family, and one family sent a letter praising me to my supervisor. It boosts my ego a little (not that it needs it sometimes), but it makes me feel like I'm doing a worthwhile thing here, as opposed to what I was doing at CPS. And now that I'm starting to like a handful of people here, it's working in my favor.

Blogging is tedious. Maybe I should invest in a digital camera so I can just post pictures all the time instead of actually writing anything.

I've decided I'm a pretty anal/OCD person. I had to go to walmart today because I lost my last pen at work and I refuse to write with the crappy state issued ones. Did I mention that I have a whole box of my pens at home, and couldn't just wait until tomorrow to bring one to work?

Okay I'm done. Was that fast enough for you missy?

2009-06-30T15:43:00.002-04:00

In my old age, I've decided that there are a number of things I need to work on about myself. And several of these things have been brought to my attention rather recently. The whole Kim debachle (did I spell that right?) made me/us realize that I need to work on my anger issues. Surprised? Don't be. Yeah, apparently me and a certain hot woman cop have some things in common (I won't go into all that...). Although I'd like to think that my issues aren't as bad as hers. I just yell a lot. And sometimes I throw things. But not at anyone. I just have temper tantrums like I'm 6 again. At any rate, I've been working on this, and it's going pretty well so far.
My other thing is that I want everyone in the world to be just like me. I want people to think the same way I do, have the same morals and ideals, etc. Religion is not included in this. Like back in the day, with the whole Kirsten/Thea thing - I could not (and still cannot) fathom how someone who was supposed to be my friend, would allow my significant other to cheat on me with them. I mean, HELLO. I would say "dude - you're dating my friend. I'm not going to have any part of that." Instead of what did happen which was "who gives a crap about Mel, I'm getting in her girlfriend's pants." I'm not bitter or anything.
Similarly, I want people to treat my friends the way I would treat them if we were in a relationship. I would spoil them, cater to them, and treat them like the amazing, beautiful people they are. And when I see their love interest/significant other acting in ways that aren't how I would, I get upset. And then I run my mouth and say things without taking into consideration how my friend feels about that love interest/significant other. Which then gets me into a mess. Or what I perceive is a mess, despite what the other person says.
And the more I write/think about all of this, it's starting to seem like I wouldn't think anyone else is good enough for them but me. Which isn't quite accurate, but sort of is. If only I could clone myself with a penis, then it might just work. It's hard to explain. I don't want a physical/romantic relationship - I just want people to be like me that they date. HA! I never realized how narcissistic I am. Great. Just what I wanted.
It really ties into the fact that I wish people would see themselves the same way I see them.
And the plot thickens....
I just need to shut my mouth, and let people make their own decisions without putting in my two cents. And I definitely need to take into consideration other people's feelings before I start talking. Or emailing as the case may be.
Open mouth.
Insert foot.
Chew.
Swallow.

On a lighter note, I get to go tubing next weekend, and then the week after that I get to go to the beach for 2 days with my sister and my nephew.

Be careful what you wish for

2009-04-07T09:33:00.003-04:00

I didn't mean it. But now it looks like it's going to happen despite what I want. I took the lack of bags to be a good sign. I apparently was just hoping and saw what I wanted to see, not what was really happening. When really, a dentist appointment this week is what has prevented the inevitable thus far.

I have lost 4 pounds in 2 days. And no doubt this is just the beginning.

I don't know what else I can do or say, I just keep repeating the same things over and over. But it's obviously not the right thing. I thought yesterday was better, but again, I let my hopes blind me from reality.

I hope this is not the beginning of the end, but it most likely is. So forgive me if I drop off the face of the earth and don't talk to anyone for a while.

safety vest on tight

2009-03-19T11:14:00.002-04:00

I bought a new cd and totally thought that was a line in a song. Until I read the words to the song. Definitely not safety vest. And nothing that should remotely sound like "on tight." Thank goodness I didn't sing those words out loud to anyone. Reminds me of high school. The song Papa loved Mama by Garth Brooks. My best friend thought the words were "mama was a hooker, lord how she shined." Nope. It's "mama was a LOOKER..."

Anyhoo...I got a call the other day from my old DSS peeps - wanting info on a family I had a case with. They wanted anything I could remember - which was a lot because the family was very odd. But now it makes me wish I was back at DSS, because I really want to know what's going on. And I've always worried about this kid. But mostly because I'm nosy.

And as if that weren't enough to make me want to be back with my old peeps, I finally got pictures developed (10 rolls, some from 3 years ago), and some pictures were from my last day at DSS. We took a group picture outside. That made me all teary, and then laugh hysterically that there were 8 or so pictures and only one was decent. One person had their tongue out in one, then eyes were closed in another, goofy faces from being in mid-sentence, etc. Hilarious. And this was normal for us - it would always take multiple tries for a picture because we're retarded. And it's obvious from the pictures.

I also had a bunch of pictures of Peyton. Have I mentioned that he's adorable?

Aaaannnnnnddddd..........i'm done.

Unconditionally

2009-03-10T12:25:00.002-04:00

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough "Hello's" to get you through the final "Goodbye."

I wish you enough.

Promises

2009-03-05T11:36:00.003-05:00

Can suck it.

A few minutes ago, I went to get one of my mini candy bars out of the mini-fridge's extra mini freezer section, and I unwrapped it and began eating. I then noticed the smell of gas. Not the gas you're embarrassed by, but the gas that allows your car to function properly. And I think to myself "I didn't get gas this morning." I notice that my left pointer finger is wet. I wipe it on my jeans thinking that I just slobbered all over my hand in an attempt to eat aforementioned candy. I then notice that the candy smells like gas (again, the car kind, not the butt kind). Alarmed, I throw the rest away (*sigh*) and go reach for another. I then realize that there is a small pool of liquid in the mini fridge mini freezer. It smells like gas. Now, who the hell put gas in my mini freezer? It runs on electricity not gas!!! So now all my mini candy bars are ruined. RUINED!! Do you know what kind of mood this puts me in???? NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT IS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH AND NOW I'VE HAD TO THROW AWAY MY ONE SALVATION?????????? AND NOT TO MENTION, PROBABLY EVERYONE ELSE'S SALVATION AS WELL! I mean - HOW THE HELL DID GAS GET IN MY MINI-FRIDGE???? Now I'm wondering if everything in there is contaminated, and if I will now have to go purchase lunch from some establishment such as Taco Bell. Will this travesty ever end???

Maybe it's kerosene.

Since I failed to mention earlier - I'm pretty sure that the slobberiness that was on my hand that I wiped on my jeans was in fact the gas/kerosene. And now I'm going to smell it all day. I smell like a mechanic. And I'm not finding it sexy in the least. All I need to complete the look is black gook under my fingernails and stained blue coveralls. Sweet.

I smell gas....

And I just realized the irony when I was considering going to Taco Bell.....

Fears

2009-01-16T09:20:00.002-05:00

Reading Cristina's blog inspired me to write one myself.

It made me think about my memory, and how I'm able to remember random stuff. It's funny, because it's one thing I actually really like about myself. I have this cedar chest with a bunch of old memorabilia for times when I'm feeling nostalgic. Yearbooks, pictures, newspaper articles, letters, etc. The real reason I keep that stuff though, is because one of my greatest fears is losing my memory. I can't stand the idea of not knowing family and/or friends as I get older. I want to remember who people are, and why I love them so much. So I frequently open up my cedar chest to study everything - that way it stays fresh in my mind. You think I remember stuff because I have a good memory. I remember things because I practice. I study my memories more than I ever studied anything in school. I want to remember the fun I had, not what year Jane Addams founded Hull House. Wait, was Jane Addams even the founder of Hull House? I have no idea. And I don't care.

So you think I kept all those stupid notes we passed because I'm sentimental. Well, sort of. It's more because they're funny as hell and I don't want to forget them. Maglites. Candygram.

And I've noticed that the more I want to get to know someone, or the more I like them, the more I will remember things about them. I think that's normal, but I take it to the extreme. I mean, does it really matter if I know that Cristina's ex drove a teal ford ranger? Or that the cat at First Step is named Truman? (Interesting to note that I can't remember the name of Cristina's coworker that worked with her there, although I can picture her...)

And for NY Mandy - here are some of my random memories that involve you...
- before going to the Giants game - I met you and Cris at your parents house. Your mom loves hedgehogs.
- you have some amazing artistic abilities, and I wanted to commission you to draw a portrait, but it never worked out
- you went to school with Rachel, and disliked her almost as much as Cristina does
- we share the first of the month tradition (although mine differs slightly)
- whenever I see a copy of the Bunny Suicides, I think of you (although I'm not quite sure why, I recall you gave a copy to Cristina, but I don't know the significance)
- you have a shopping fetish (or addiction, whichever way you prefer to describe it)

Okay - I'm done. I think when I get home, I'm going to go through my cedar chest...

I didn't think it would hurt this much

2008-12-23T13:17:00.003-05:00

Gladys finally died yesterday.

We got Gladys when I was in 8th or 9th grade. And for those of you counting, that's 16 years ago. When we got her she was a puppy, and could fit in the palm of Dad's hand. We took pity on her because she was the runt of the litter, but seemed to be the one prancing around saying "I'm better than everyone else." So home she came, no crate, no box, hanging out on the back seat or in our laps until we got to the house. From the moment we brought her home, she was labeled "the best dog we ever had."

She was part black lab (we think), and part Rodesian Ridgeback. She was all black with a big cowlick up her spine. Once she got big enough, she was very happy to chase tennis balls and not bring them back. She liked chasing lots of things. One day she caught a squirrel as it tried to climb away up a tree. That wasn't pretty. She shook it like a rag doll by the tail until it slipped out of her mouth. The poor squirrel quickly ran to the nearest tree, and luckily made it up out of reach. She would run along behind me while Dad pulled me on the sled with the tractor. Sometimes she would grab my hat off my head and shake it around too.

In the beginning, she was strictly an outside dog. But the more we grew to love her, she eventually wound up inside on cold nights, then every night, and then she was coming in whenever she (or we) wanted her to.

I got Maia in 2000 and brought her home. At first, they didn't get along. At all. Drawing blood from each other on a weekly basis. It upset us all tremendously. I think Gladys was jealous. But eventually she learned that she was still number 1 in our books, and then they got along much better. Since then they romped around together, followed Dad when he went hunting, and even helped him track deer.

One day I saw a sign in the neighborhood saying "Lost peacock." The peacock ended up in our backyard, and Gladys helped us surround it and eventually catch it. She was great at herding things.

As she aged, she no longer wanted to be inside, and would bark frequently, which made us put her back out. So she went from being inside whenever, to being inside at night, to only on cold nights, and then not at all. Before she stopped going outside, she began having "selective hearing." She pretended she couldn't hear us when we tried to tell her anything. Sometimes she would pretend to be asleep while we were calling her name. At some point (5 or 6 years ago) we thought she was getting towards the end of her life. She wouldn't do much anymore, and she started to lose weight and go gray around the muzzle. Gladys would lay so still, we would think that she was already dead, and we'd have to yell for her (she would ignore us), and then we'd touch her. She would look up at us like "I'm not dead, leave me the hell alone." I'm convinced that sometimes she would hold her breath when she heard us coming.

The past few years, she lost a lot of weight, had difficulty walking, and getting up and down. Gladys never seemed to be in pain though - it just seemed like her body wouldn't work anymore. She lost control of her bladder, and we think she was pretty much blind and deaf. Each time I went home, I would make sure to find her (laying in the leaves, under the truck, etc) and pet her, because I knew she wouldn't know I was home, and if she did, she would have trouble getting to me.

I went home about two weeks ago and I couldn't find her. I got worried because it was dinnertime, and no matter what, she would know and would come to eat. I searched outside in the rain with a flashlight until I found her. She was huddled underneath A.C.'s old jeep. I petted her and told her it was time to eat. I went and got her food, but before I could bring it to her, she showed up at the front porch like usual to eat. I left the next morning after petting her and telling her to stay out of the driveway while I backed up.

Yesterday, I had multiple messages from family telling me that Gladys had finally died. Mom and Dad left to go to Charlottesville that morning and she was fine - wobbling around and barking as usual. When they came home, Dad went outside to do some type of "dad task" and found her underneath the trailer.

We had been making jokes for years...."she's still alive?" or "how old IS she?" We all knew she was probably pretty sick - having lost so much weight, but we couldn't bring ourselves to take her to the vet. We were afraid they would tell us she was dying, etc. and we would need to put her down. Mom and Dad repeatedly considered calling the vet and having her put to sleep, but no one could do it. I figured that it wouldn't hurt so much because we have been preparing ourselves for this for years. Boy was I wrong. I cried at work, I cried on the phone when I thought I would be leaving a message, I cried at home, I'm crying now, it's just awful. We had dogs before that died, but we had never had one as long as her.

I will be scanning pictures tonight, and will most likely post them over the holidays for you to see.

She was definitely the best dog we ever had.

Well it's about time

2008-12-09T15:30:00.004-05:00

Yes, I can hear you saying it now.

I've been at my "new" job for 4 and a half months now. I like the work, and at first I wasn't sure about my coworkers, but I've decided they're not half bad. I'm glad I've gotten over my initial "crying-on-the-way-to-work-because-I-miss-my-old-coworkers" phase. I still miss them immensely, but I've adjusted. Until I went to visit Mandy and Nicolas last weekend, and then I cried on the way home. I'm such a mush-ball.

I do think my stories from work are much more entertaining now. Except for the guy who plucked his chest hair to send it to his wife while he was in jail. And she put it in her bra so it would be close to her heart. I don't think anything can top that story from my time at DSS. Ah...the memories....

Last week I got to work at my normal time, and then around 8:30, there was a horrendous banging/slamming noise and much screaming, coming from a unit that was luckily not my own. At any rate, I walked down the hall to see what was going on. There was a boy diagnosed with autism who was very upset with the morning's breakfast choice, and had thrown everyone's breakfast trays and there was food everywhere. They didn't have his normal Raisin Bran available, so he was very upset. And ripped his shirt off Hulk Hogan style. They called to all other units in an attempt to find Raisin Bran, but there wasn't any in the building. So in the meantime, this kid is going nuts. Over Raisin Bran. I mean, it's understandable, I get upset when I'm not regular too. So I offered to run to the store to get him some Raisin Bran, which was accepted gratefully. I hopped in Lucy Jetta, drove to Walmart and made it back in record time. Then I'm a hero because I got the guy some cereal. I still don't understand why no one else thought of going to the store, or even considered it as an option. Um...hello? Go buy the kid some cereal. It's not rocket science. "Uh...gee...he wants Raisin Bran, but we don't have any...what should we do?" He got his Raisin Bran, and then he was happy.

Now my days are filled with the sound of screaming psychotic children and the pitter patter of adult feet running down the hall.

I exaggerate. My day isn't "filled" with screaming children. Although I do hear screams probably once a day. Sometimes it's just a kid yelling because they're pissed off. Other times it is because they're psychotic, and then I feel like I'm in a movie.

Good times. Ya'll should come visit.

peer pressure

2008-07-10T10:27:00.003-04:00

I guess it's time I blogged again. Or at least others think it's time I blogged again. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

So I have a new job, but I won't start until my birthday. That's July 25th for those of you who forgot, or didn't know at all. I'll be working at the Commonwealth Center for Children and Adolescents. It's a psychiatric hospital for kids. Should be a fun time. I hope.

I'm kinda sad about leaving good 'ol child protective services. Well, I'm sad about leaving my coworkers, not necessarily my workload.

Not much else going on here in VA.

The other day I got into an agency van to go on a home visit, put it in gear, looked back to back out of the parking space, let up on the brake and promptly hit the curb. It helps when you put it in reverse as opposed to drive. Good thing it was a curb and not another car.

I've gotten incredibly lazy in my old age. Maybe that's where my extra 25 pounds has come from. Yesterday I told myself I was going to get up at 6 and go run (or jog...or walk). I woke up at 5:55, looked at the clock, laughed and said "yeah right" and then went back to sleep.

I'm so motivated. You're jealous, I know.

Maybe I'll join a gym when I start my new job.

I've got nothing else. I feel like I told Cristina everything on the phone. And since Cristina is one of 2 people I know who read my blog, it feels rather redundant.

I want a motorcycle. Bad. Wifey doesn't want me to get one. I'm tempted to get one anyways. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

I also want a new car. Not as much as I want my motorcycle though.

Okay I'm done.

Eek!

2008-06-06T16:15:00.000-04:00

This afternoon has been dragging for me and my coworkers. So I decided to spice things up by hiding under Rachel’s desk while she went to fax something. My coworker Jennifer knew what I was doing, so she kept an ear out. Rachel came back and went to sit down and I grabbed her leg and said “boo!” She screamed, and Linda and Jenny came running, while Jennifer started laughing. Linda thought it was a mouse. I popped my head out and said “nope! Just me!” Hilarious. I then related the stories of when Jennifer and I were younger and I hid under mom and dad’s bed and grabbed her leg, or the time when I grabbed mom’s leg under the bathroom stall.

You can never be too careful when I'm around....

The powers that be have cancelled the soap opera

2008-05-19T14:43:00.001-04:00

I haven't heard back from Mike. I even sent him an email asking if he was ever going to email me back. Eh. I'm sure I'll hear from him again in 10 years.

Response

2008-05-06T09:57:00.002-04:00

So let's remember - I asked him why he emailed me, what was going on, etc. This is the response. Forgive his lack of punctuation and correct English.

i don't know why I e mailed you. I wasted the last eleven years of my life and I guess with no family or friends stumbling across you at classmates might help me re focus. I was idling when you met me, full of potential but no desire to do anything with it. you gave me a reason to try to be someone. when we broke up i TURNED MY BACK ON THE POSSIBIBILITY OF HAVING A "NORMAL" LIFE sorry not yelling or trying to give u a guilt trip. I miss being young and i miss being able to trust. My wife has left me wondering as to whether or not she was off cheating and you remember that based on size I shoudn't worry.... but I have caught her places and she has left for a day and left me with her two plus our baby and before we got married I had a sperm test and a biopsy of my testicle that left the doctor to say no children then 9 mos later after leaving for 10 hours I find her at a phone booth 3 weeks later and she has a pregnancy test..... He looks so much like her I can;t tell and I don't want a dna test because what if hes not mine then I;ve invested again and get hurt again and he gets hurt so I'm trying to suck it up trust her love her and the kids and my whole life revolves around her and this. I'm not a cheater I've never given her a reason to worry about it but she does and as for a job i'm a carpenter/plumber/painter/landscape architect/pothead/ and I wish I could start it all over I can't breathe, I was diagnosed with bronchieactesis in 05 and still smoke cigarettes. I'm a loser and I wanted you to know. I'm sorry for laying this on you I don't mean anything by it I don't want you to personalize this just know that our time together meant a lot and I know you did care so if you still do care take all this with a grain of salt.

So I again wrote him back and told him several times to stop smoking pot. I also told him that maybe there's an emotional disconnect and that's why she's cheating. I said "it's not always about sex." And I don't know why he's reminding me that I should know he doesn't have to worry about his size - I know nothing of his size as I didn't go near that area. I don't like boys.

I also told him that he needs to forget about who actually fathered the kid, and that if he loves him he should be his daddy no matter what.

I feel like this is a bad soap opera. I don't like watching because it's the same thing each time, but I keep finding myself drawn back into it.

Eh. Whatever. I'm still checking my email frequently.

A response

2008-05-02T10:26:00.004-04:00

So after I emailed Mike saying "it's been 10 years...what's up?" he replied with the following.

"got married five years ago to a friend from middle school she had two daughters and I jumped in thought i was ready and she had a baby boy michael dylyn 9 2 04 we split up 12-05 got back together 9-06 and it is rocky at best shes jealous and i could get thrown out for doing this as harmless as it is . I;m proud of your choice of careers. I can't remember how much i told u about my life prior to fluvanna but yeah i admire u."

What the hell?

So I wrote back thanking him for appreciating my job (it's not every day someone says that to me), and then I said "What are you doing these days? What makes it rocky, and why the hell are you emailing me if it's going to get you thrown out?" I haven't gotten a response back yet.

It'll probably be another 10 years before I hear from him again.

It's getting annoying. I don't like when people magically reappear in my life, say two things to me, and then disappear all over again. It's frustrating. And despite my best efforts, I'm actually worried about him. I know he's probably still an ass, but I still wanted him to be better than how he was brought up. I think most of my concern is for the kids in his home. I don't think he would do anything to them, but I wonder if he has a volatile relationship with that woman that is impacting the kids. DAMN MY CPS BACKGROUND!!!

I've decided I don't care at all anymore. I'm no longer curious to know where he's been and what he's doing.

I don't care.

And because I don't care, I'm going to keep checking my email every 5 minutes, just to reinforce this thought.

My past continues to haunt me

2008-04-30T12:12:00.003-04:00

As a senior in high school, I met a guy named Mike. The spring prior to my graduation, we started dating. We dated through my freshman year of college, and then broke up. Our break up wasn't pretty, to say the least. Unbeknownst to him, part of the reason we broke up was because I discovered I like girls, and had actually been in a relationship with one, while still dating him. I didn't tell him that, but instead decided to say that we simply "drifted apart." That and he was a controlling asshole. For example, one day when I was home for a visit, I went bowling with my sister. My sister and I didn't hang out much and I was excited that she had invited me somewhere with her and her friends. So we're bowling, and then there's a page over the intercom with my name and "Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone." What the hell? So I answer it, and it's Mike. "Hey, what are you doing?" "I'm washing my car moron - I'm bowling, what the hell else would I be doing at the bowling alley?" At this point, I was pretty annoyed. He stammered some reply that he just wanted to call me blah blah blah. I told him I was trying to have a fun afternoon with my sister, and that I was ending our conversation and getting back to bowling.

There was another incident when he wouldn't stop groping me in the school parking lot. After I had repeatedly told him to stop. I had to exit the car to get him to stop. But for whatever reason, I didn't end the relationship. No - we never had sex, I wouldn't let him. Looking back, I suppose it was because I didn't like boys, but I didn't really know that then. I just knew I didn't want to have sex.

Fast forward to us breaking up. I don't remember the actual breaking up part or how it happened. I just remember what happened after. He was bitter. I was bitter. It just wasn't pretty. I went to our county carnival one day and ended up being the person inside the dunking booth. He spent $25 trying to dunk me to no avail. And the best part was that he didn't say anything while doing it, but I kept running my mouth to him, which only pissed him off more. He finally just left.

A few days later, I was at a picnic with a bunch of friends, and he was there. He came up to me while I was sitting on the front porch of the house. He held out his hand as if to shake mine and said "Hi, I'm Mike." I looked up at him and coldly said "I know who you are." He then slapped me with the same open hand. Reflex took over and I automatically thrust my fist into his waiting stomach. He stumbled off balance backwards into the railing. Without raising my voice, and without getting up from my chair, I said "Don't you EVER hit me again." He muttered something like an apology and ran (literally ran) off the porch, and I didn't see him again. Until...

Sophomore year of college he calls me one night and tells me he's outside my dorm. Time, being the great healer it is, allowed me to speak to him and even have dinner with him. It was late, so I graciously offered him the floor of my dorm room. As we're getting ready to go to sleep, he made some comment about how he'd rather be in the bed with me. I told him he was lucky I was even allowing him to sleep on the floor. I remembered again why I broke up with him in the first place, and wondered why he bothered coming to see me at all, knowing it wasn't going to be what he wanted. He left the next day and again dropped off the face of the planet.

That was 10 years ago. I've often wondered what happened to him - if he ended up in jail, did he get married, have kids, etc. See - if it weren't for Meredith showing me the error of my ways (ie - I liked girls), I would have married Mike. That was our plan. The official engagement would have happened after sophomore year, and we would have gotten married after graduation.

Mike didn't have the best of lives. He was abused when he was little, physically and sexually, and his mom was a raging alcoholic (and probably still is). He worked out incessantly to get bigger muscles. He felt that if he were bigger, people would leave him alone - having the impression that he wasn't someone they could mess with. After I graduated, one of our teachers was awarded custody of Mike. He stayed at her house with her family constantly because he didn't like to be at home. A few months after though, he went back to his mom's house because he felt guilty for leaving her.

I suppose I shouldn't be sharing personal details about him, but I feel that you need to know these things so you can understand where I'm coming from. He had lots of good things in his life, that he let go or gave up on. He had a full ride to VMI, but left after less than 4 hours there. I always wondered if he got over all that and did something for himself - to better his life - for once.

At any rate, now, 10 years later, I open my yahoo email and see his name. It was a funny feeling I got. Nervous. My stomach fell out, and I'm not sure where it went. I'm surprised I didn't throw up and/or didn't have to take immodium. Just odd. I can't explain it. It's not like I'm excited to hear from him, or want to see him, or that some old longing (yeah right) came back. I can't put my finger on it. His email was short, and somewhat cryptic. He told me he found me on classmates, and that if I was "curious" I could write him back. He also said "Ps - I need a friend" He signed it with a nickname that I used to call him.

My feeling is not quite nostalgic - I wonder if it's fear. But that's not really it either. I am curious and do want to know what he's been up to and why he suddenly wants me as his friend after no contact for 10 years. Part of my feeling is hopeful - that he is well and has turned things around. I know that some of what I am feeling is concern - what could be so terribly wrong in his life that he reaches out to his ex-girlfriend from 10 years prior? And then concern that I now have stalker.

At any rate, it's a bundle of feelings that ultimately make me uncomfortable. But not that uncomfortable that I didn't write him back. I simply said "hey you - what's going on." However, at this point, I would not feel safe meeting him somewhere. And that definitely makes me nervous that I have those little voices (no, not those voices), telling me it's not a good idea to meet him in person. I don't even get that with my clients.

But that's all I have right now. A strange feeling, a cryptic email, and anticipation of another email.

I think part of me wishes he hadn't emailed in the first place.

2008-04-28T10:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Cristina! Love you and miss you!

Why I love Easter

2008-03-25T15:46:00.001-04:00

Tax dollars hard at work

2008-03-11T09:55:00.003-04:00

This is the following email conversation this morning with my sister.

Jennifer: Yahoo had a picture of a gas sign that had $3.99 -- and that was the cheap stuff. I think premium was $4.19. Holy crap. I'm going to have to get a horse.

Mel: Try a moped. With a basket. They get great gas mileage.

Jennifer: Picture it: me, on a moped, bicycle basket with flowers strapped to the front, Peyton in a car seat behind me, both of us in full face motorcycle helmets. Puttering over the mountain.. . and almost at the top of the mountain I'll be crouched over the handlebars, willing the moped to make it. . .

Mel: An artists' rendering....

and then i attached the following:

Man I love Paint

Oh for the love of Mary Poppins

2008-03-11T08:38:00.001-04:00

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

oh the excitement

2008-02-08T15:17:00.000-05:00

Tuesday. 2:00pm. I'm at the home of a client and her small child (21 months). I'm sitting on the couch, and the kid is in front of me, leaning against my knees, and coloring on all of my papers and files. Cute. I ask mom if kid has any medical conditions. Mom says "She's got MRSA." I lean back and think "great. just great." So then mom proceeds to tell me all about the kids "boil" on her back that is draining. Gross. I'm becoming more and more concerned as the kid continues to lean against me and draw all over my stuff. So I end the conversation, grab my crayon-ed stuff, and get the heck out of their house. I then call back to the office and ask if I need to go to the doctor. We decide that I should go and find out what precautionary measures I need to take. Doc says "wash your hands" and that if I develop a rash, blisters, or fever in the next week or so to come back.

Today. 9:00am. I'm absent-mindedly scratching my right hand near the thumb. "Boy that really itches" I think to myself. Then I look down and realize I have developed a patchy, red, bumpy, itchy spot on my hand. It's the size of a quarter. Oh shit I have MRSA. I decide to wait to see what happens to it. Meanwhile, it itches like crazy and I'm trying not to scratch. I go to the bathroom and strip to make sure I have no other rashy parts. Phew - nothing else. Before lunch it still hasn't gone away, so I make an appointment to go back to the doctor.

Now I don't know if any of you have conversations about lice. Here at the office, because of the families we work with, it's a frequent topic of conversation. Whenever it comes up, we all feel itchy as if we have lice ourselves. Similar thing happened with me today. As soon as I notice this rashy area, I suddenly begin to itch at other areas. My stomach. Neck. Head. Arm. Leg. "It's spreading!" Just kidding. I'm obviously imagining things.

2:15. Go to doctor. "It's definitely not MRSA." Thank goodness, but now I feel like a moron. Doc says "have you come into contact with any animals, new lotions, etc." Nope. Nada. "Well...my partner is taking Augmentin. I'm allergic to it, but I know I can't get it from touching it, so I don't know what it could be." Doc says "actually...if you broke out in a really bad rash from it, it's possible it could cause minor skin irritation if you come into contact with it." So now I can't touch Kim's meds, and she's gonna need to wash her hands before touching me after taking it.

So that's been my fun week. MRSA anyone?

2008-01-30T13:03:00.000-05:00

My nephew is the cutest ever.

I feel smart

2008-01-29T08:53:00.001-05:00

Well Cris, I figured it all out. I changed/updated it so it's easy like yours. I'm excited. Maybe now I'll blog more....

Alas...

2008-01-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

It must have been me that couldn't figure how to change things on my blog. Dammit! I hate admitting that there's something I'm not good at. Even if this is the first thing I'm not good at....Thanks bunches to my personal technical support person. You're amazing.

In other news, I haven't been able to fall asleep until approximately 2am. Needless to say, falling asleep at 2 (or 3) is not conducive to having to wake up at 6:30. This delightful pattern has continued for about 2 weeks now, and frankly, I'm tired of it. Hahahahaha! Tired of it...not sleeping... get it? Apparently my lack of sleep has also made me delirious. I may attempt to curl up on the floor of my office for a little nap today. And when I get home, I'm going to take an Ambien and hopefully that will help.

I'm hungry.

Can I complain about anything else? Hmm....lemme see....

I think that's it. For now.

I'm going to go have some cheese with my whine. Wow. Now I'm so tired I've resorted to stupid things we used to say in college.

I really need to get some sleep.

pressure

2008-01-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

So a certain someone is pressuring me to blog. So here ya go. I even changed it my background. I tried to edit some other things, but either my computer wasn't cooperating or the website wasn't. Since I don't understand a damn thing about doing your own website, it's possible it's my fault. But I prefer to blame it on technology.

I really have nothing new to report. I'm going to try once more to change things on my blog. We'll see if it happens. Maybe if it works, I'll be so excited I'll blog again.

Will it ever end???

2007-12-18T11:49:00.000-05:00

Today, posted outside of Terri's office, were two sheets of paper. One had the definition of "parched" while the other had the definition of "perished."

Now granted, when I'm right about something, I like to make it known. But to continually rub it in someone else's face - while at work? I think that's a little over the top.

Not that I haven't thought about it...I mean, certainly if it were work related ("I told you if we didn't remove that kid he'd end up with a broken leg") it would be justified.

But the difference between perished and parched??? In the grand scheme of things - who the hell cares??????

it's that time of year again

2007-12-11T08:43:00.001-05:00

here are my new years resolutions
1. lose 15 pounds
2. be jealous less
3. trust more
4. find a new job

Does it matter?

2007-12-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

The following conversation just occurred in the hallway outside of my office door:

Jason: You said "perished."
Terri: I can say "perished."
Jason: No - it's "parched."
Terri: I'm "perishing for a drink."
Lamma: "perished" means dead.
Terri: yeah, I'm "perishing" for a drink means I'm dying for a drink.
Jason: But you said "I'm perished."
Terri: So?
Jason: "Famished" means hungry and "parched" means thirsty and "perished" means died. You cannot say "I'm perished."
Terri: Well, lots of people say that - I've heard other people say it.

Then apparently Jason walked off in frustration because then I hear:
Terri: I'm still going to say "perished" whether he likes it or not. I can say perished if I want.

WHATEVER.

Top 10 things that piss me off

2007-11-29T15:36:00.000-05:00

In no particular order:
1. having to wait until December 18 to get Mary J. Blige's new cd
2. child abusers that get away with it because they're lawyers
3. pulmonary embolisms
4. people who tell me what is missing from my case notes and that it's "concerning", without asking me if i've finished typing them (i wasn't)
5. collection agencies
6. being broke
7. car tax
8. impossible deadlines
9. interviewing for new jobs and not getting called back
10. stupid parents who allege sexual abuse on the other parent because of custody battles

Bi-curious?

2007-11-20T08:52:00.000-05:00

I was recently on the phone with a good friend, when somehow the subject came up that she had "made out" with another woman. WHAT??? I mean, granted, I knew about her previous experience with a couple, but one-on-one action?? Are you kidding me?? And how is it that I was never told before? "I thought I told you - I mean I could've sworn I told you." Yeah, whatever. You did it on purpose. She says she still likes boys though, and that's okay. I wish I were more disappointed. It intrigues me - thinking about her being with a woman, but at the same time, I just can't imagine it. And it doesn't have any impact on me because I'm married. Not that it really matters, because I'm pretty sure that despite all my joking around, I really don't like her like that, if you know what I mean. Yes, I compare all my significant others to her, but only because she's such an amazing person. I don't compare people to her physically or sexually, just personality stuff. And I know if she's reading this she's probably saying "Well I know why she doesn't compare physical stuff..." but that's not it at all. I have never compared physical features. I mean look at M. (almost looking anorexic) and then K. Big difference. But I digress. I couldn't possibly have a sexual relationship with her - it would just be too weird.
And it would be even worse if it ended - I'm not about to jeopardize our friendship just for some amazing sex.

Although it might be worth it.....

Just kidding....

I think.....

Anyhoo - so she had this "encounter" - and I say "good for you." It's good to expand your horizons and experience something new. Even if you don't go all the way. Think of it as a resume builder. You do something you don't really have any interest in doing full-time, it's just something so people can say "wow - you're really well-rounded!"

And then again - maybe you just didn't make out with the right woman....

Eh, who needs 'em anyways?

2007-10-25T08:12:00.000-04:00

I'm not wearing any underwear.

PS - Cris, I'm sorry you didn't get your hump on.

again for Rhonda

2007-09-21T14:42:00.001-04:00

Wednesday was the funeral. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to go. I didn't want to see you lying there still and unresponsive. That's not how I want to remember you. I want to remember you smoking outside every hour on the hour, or remember your face lighting up at the mention of Jack and Natalie. Yesterday was hard for us here at the office. Lamma looks like she's aged 20 years in the past week since you've been gone. It's almost like now that the funeral is over with - it's official. Your family came yesterday to clean out your office. It's bare and empty now. Your sweater is gone, your plants are gone, the pictures of Natalie and Jack aren't on your desk anymore. It's almost as if you never existed here, and it plays tricks with my mind each time I walk past your door. For once, no one has jumped at the opportunity of having a big office with big windows. Looking out of them would be too painful. Seeing someone else in your place would hurt too. Even though we all know that it's impossible to replace you. I went to the cemetary yesterday during work. It was easy to find your spot. It was the one with the most flowers. I was glad no one else was there so I could have some time there alone. I'm sorry I couldn't stay long. I don't want to remember or think of you in that place either. So I just told you I missed you and quickly tried to calm the flood waters that seemed to be suddenly released from my eyes with one blink. Lamma put up a picture in her office from 15-20 years ago. It's an office picture of everyone with you front and center. I don't think you aged at all since then. I'm glad that it's how I will always remember you - youthful, vibrant, caring, and healthy. I would hate to have any other memories. Thanks for everything you were, and still are to me. Love you and miss you Rhonda.

For Rhonda

2007-09-17T07:52:00.001-04:00

I got the call Saturday afternoon. I didn't answer my phone because I thought it was an on-call work related thing and I wanted to enjoy my afternoon. Once I listened to my message I felt like an ass for being so selfish. Not that answering my phone would have prevented anything from happening. It was already said and done. Work is going to be a struggle without you. I purposefully went to my office the other way, just so I wouldn't have to walk past your door and see your chair sitting empty. I no longer have the opportunity to harass you about your smoking, or joke around with you about your "second job" as a stripper and the possibility of putting up a pole in your office. You were definitely the coolest 60 something year old person I've ever known. And the only one I knew to have a tattoo. When I got my motorcycle, you came out and sat on it, and then set it up like you were going to ride off on it. You always gave me birthday and Christmas cards, and you were the first person to tell me you were going to miss me when I left to go to VCU. You were also one of the first to greet me upon my return. You were always observant, and concerned when I was losing so much weight. You were the only person to ask me if I was okay, and then despite my answer of "yes," you asked if I had an eating disorder. When I helped calm one of your clients, you wrote a letter to both John and Mandy about me. We used to talk about our mutual clients and despite how crazy and volatile they were, we liked them. You always helped me by educating me on eligibility stuff, and providing me with a ton of information about my clients.

Today is hard without you Rhonda. It's our first day back at work with you gone. There's no laughter this morning. There's no "good morning, how was your weekend." Just quiet, closed office doors, and tears.

I miss you Rhonda.

For Cristina

2007-09-14T09:50:00.000-04:00

I know that lately
Things haven't been so good
I always saidIf I could ever help you I would
I love you
For a thousand years

I'm hereTo wipe away the tears
I will be your friend
till the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile

When your fallin apart
I pick up each piece
Build a wall around your dreams
The punches to your heart
Melt away when you never thought they'd heal
So trust in meT
hese are the words I tattoo on you
If hercules can pick you up
I will I really am true

I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
I love youFor a thousand years
I'm hereTo wipe away the tears

You've got so much to give
I'll tell you just when you need to know
Get out and live
Pick you up when you're feeling low
So here's my hand

Trust in me I really am true
You've got to understand
There's nothingI wouldn't do

I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile

You've got so much to give
Get out and live
I will be your friend untill the end of time
I will be your friend
I'm here to make you smile
The Punches to your heart
When your falling apart..

love you cris.

2007-07-18T15:50:00.000-04:00

“And my little pink heart, is on its little brown raft, floating out to sea.”

2007-06-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

I’ve been gone from work for a week at training. I must say I’m not so excited to be back at my desk this morning. However, since I’ve been gone, I’ve neglected other people’s blogs. Except Cristina, because she hasn’t blogged since Mothers Day. Slacker. I did enjoy reading NY Mandy’s blogs. I especially liked the Japanese tetris. Mind you, I have no speakers, so I have no clue if there was any voice-over. But it didn’t matter because I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks and severe cramping of the stomach and sides. So to NY Mandy – thanks for making my return to work a little less painful.

The other day I was going through all the stuff I’ve kept over the years (I’m a packrat for those of you who didn’t know). I periodically do this and get rid of some stuff. In the process I came across Thea’s cd, which then of course took me way back down memory lane. The end result was that I emailed Kirsten. I just want my life to turn out better than theirs. I told her about getting my masters, getting married, etc. She will be done with her masters shortly, and Thea just got a new job, blah blah blah. I wanted to make some shit up, like we bought a house and Kim is pregnant. But I figured that somehow she would find out the truth, and then I’d just look pathetic. Which is true. I can’t even figure out why I have this need to “one-up” them. Other than the fact that they both screwed me over. I guess I want to say “nyah – you screwed up my life but now I’m better than you.” And I can’t, and it bothers me. I was almost tempted to tell her I married Cristina, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Although that would’ve been really funny.

In other news…my nephew is the cutest thing ever. I’ve decided he looks like me.

Life lessons.

2007-05-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

Today I came back from lunch and a coworker had left her personal keys on my desk. Attached to said keychain was a black metal rod approximately 5 inches long. I picked it up and it looked like a maglite, but I couldn’t find the bulb. So I unscrewed it and saw what I believed were batteries. So I screwed the cap back on, figuring that it was one of those laser pointers or a pin-light to find your door lock. Then I pressed the button located on the top of it. I then watched, in slow motion, a stream of yellowish/orange liquid spray out of the end. I had just shot myself in the leg with pepper spray. What followed was somewhat indicative of hysteria. Mostly on the part of my coworker, as I went gagging and teary-eyed into her office to admit what I had done. She immediately got a high, squeaky voice and lots of hand gestures asking me if I was okay. Then she went into my office and started gagging. This brought other coworkers with the same result. I then held my breath and went back in my office to turn on my fan. I decided I should probably try to rinse it off my pants, so I went to the bathroom to do so. Afterwards, I hung out in Michele’s office, and she continued to cough. I then realized that she was coughing because of me – it was still on my pants. Luckily, I am always prepared, and was able to change into gym clothes. However, as usual, I forgot one key component: shoes. So now I’m wandering around the office in ratty mesh shorts and a tshirt, socks, and no shoes. I also heavily sprayed my office with Lysol, which seems to have done the trick.

I should’ve listened to my mother: “keep your hands to yourself” and “don’t mess with things that don’t belong to you.”

how I feel after talking to Mandy (VA Mandy)

2007-04-24T14:49:00.000-04:00

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair
and I touch my head to feel
what isn't there
she's humming a melody
we learned in grade school
she's so happy
and I think
this is not cool
'cause I know the guy
she's been talking about
I have met him before
and I think
what is this beautiful beautiful woman
settling for?

she bends her breath
when she talks to him
I can see her features begin to blur
as she pours herself
into the mold he made for her
and for everything he does
she has a way to rationalizes
he says he don't mean what he do
she tells me he called
to apologize

he says he loves her
he says he's changing
and he can keep her warm
and so she sits there like america
suffering through slow reform
but she'll never get back the time
and the years sneak by
one by one
she is still playing the martyr
I am still praying for revloution

and she still doesn't have what she deserves
but she wakes up smiling every day
she never really expected more
that's just not the way we are raised
and I say to her,
you know,
there's plenty of really great men out there
but she doesn't hear me
she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair

- Ani DiFranco Fixing her hair

I knew you would give in to my powers of persuasion.

2007-04-05T14:32:00.000-04:00

Yes, this will be work related, but it’s really not that bad. Keep reading.

I have a new case in which a kid was hospitalized for injuries supposedly related to physical abuse. By law, I have a right to those hospital records, and by law, they are mandated reporters. So I send a fax over to the unnamed hospital in NOVA requesting the records. Mandy from medical records calls and says they can’t release the information without a consent. I respond “you have to. There are allegations of physical abuse and you are mandated reporters. You are required to release information to me without consent.” Mandy then says “No, I need consent from a parent.” Me: “No, I don’t. Virginia Code says I don’t. Instead of a release, I will fax you copies of the code section that says you have to comply.” Mandy: “You can fax me whatever you want, but without a release I can’t give you those records. Or you can get a court order to us.” Me: “I’ll fax you those code sections, and then you can decide if it’s worth going to jail when you break the law.” Mandy: “I will give it to my administrator.” Me: “Good, then they can fax me the records.”

That all happened on Monday. Then I get a call from the social worker on Tuesday telling me all about my kid. I ask her “so as hospital staff are mandated reporters, why is it that we didn’t get called?” she says “because the dad said you were already involved.” Me: “Well, we weren’t, and you’re still a mandated reporter even if we already know.” So then she apologizes profusely. Now it’s Thursday and I get a call again from Mandy at medical records. With the cheeriest voice possible I answer the phone and she asks me “what dates of service are you looking for on those records?” I kindly respond “I’m not sure of the exact dates, but it was the weeks of March 22 and 29.” Then she says “okay – that’s the last visit – the end of march. I’ll get those out to you.” “Thanks so much Mandy – have a great day.” Then I hang up.

I knew you’d give me those records biatch.

I am so lucky.

2007-03-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

Screw those people I talked about in my last blog. They don’t matter. As long as I have people like Cristina and NY Mandy – what more do I need? Quality over quantity.
Love ya’ll.

so I speak to you in riddles cause my words get in my way

2007-02-26T18:01:00.000-05:00

Today I got to thinking about my time spent in grad school. Which then got me thinking about undergrad…and then high school…and I again came to the realization that I don’t let people get close to me, and I don’t know why.
Let’s examine this and see how many people I count as friends from each group, that I still talk to somewhat regularly.
High school: Michelle
JMU: Cristina, Laurie, Amy, Kay, Fatimah, Elizabeth, Jen
VCU: None

This is pathetic. And it makes me sad. Because there are people I wish I were still friends with, or had made an attempt to have something lasting. But for whatever reason, I didn’t. Now I’m not saying that the people listed above are crappy. Not at all. If anything – they made me actually want to let them in, which is a big deal. I can’t figure out why I close people off. I thought I did a better job in grad school, but apparently I didn’t. What am I so scared of? Or is it more that I’m lazy and suck at keeping in touch? I mean, I’m lucky if I talk to kay once every 2 months. And I miss her like crazy, but I don’t do anything about it. Maybe I avoid being close with people because I dread the part about leaving or not talking to them. Like the feeling I have with Kay. But now I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I think I’ve always felt like that though. I never had a best friend when I was little. Well, I said I did, but they didn’t. Michelle and Brooke were each others best friends. I counted them as mine. There’s a significant difference I think. I didn’t have a reciprocal best friend relationship until high school. I wonder if that has anything to do with my stuff. My sister has had the same best friend since they were little and in school. She still keeps in touch with one person from VA Tech, but mostly she keeps in touch with high school people.
I wonder if this is normal though. Maybe it’s all that I just want a billion people who want to be my friend and be near me, and I’m disappointed that I don’t and I blame myself. Or maybe I just want closer friendships with people – I’ve always been jealous of how close other people are with each other, but then again, I don’t do anything to make it happen.
I certainly don’t want this to sound like I’m not happy. I am. I think this is just about wanting more – or wanting what I don’t have. Like money. I think lots of it comes from my insecurities. I make plans with people or maybe just tentative plans, and then they bail or it just never happens. It makes me start thinking it’s something with me. But how can I not think that when I happens multiple times with the same people. It’s getting to the point where I just throw ideas out there to people to see what will happen. If they will reinforce my theory that they don’t want to do anything with me, or if they’ll surprise me and actually follow through. Like my snowboarding with Leila or Mandy. For years Leila has said we should go snowboarding. But then when I call her to ask if she wants to go, she always has some reason she can’t, but then never suggests a different time. Similar with Mandy. We’ve been saying for years we’re going to go. I even wrote it on her calendar, but then it still didn’t happen. Maybe I should just give up altogether. Or maybe I should just come right out and say “you don’t really want to do that with me, do you?” Maybe if I just put it out there, they’ll be more comfortable with admitting it. Yet I’m certain they will respond with “yes I do, it’s just (insert excuse here).” And then it will happen again. And again. And again.
And I wonder why I don’t let people get close to me. The ones I consider close hurt me just the same.

That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
- Ghost Story - Sting

You should’ve asked the lesbian in the first place.

2007-02-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

There are 6 women in my unit at work. 4 of whom are married and have children, 1 is married and pregnant, and then me. The following is the lunchtime conversation.

Jennifer (pregnant woman): (turning to Rachel and Michele) I have a question for the two of you.
Me: What am I, chopped liver?
Jennifer: Well, you won’t have the answer.
Me: Whatever.
Jennifer: I’ve become to pregnant and fat to have sex comfortably, do you two have any suggestions on positions?
Rachel: On all fours.
Michele: (nods head)
Rachel: Or what about you on top?
Jennifer: I’m getting too big and can’t move that well that way.
Me: you could lay sideways in the bed – but if he’s too short, his head will be in the middle of your back which may be uncomfortable for him. Or you could lean over onto the bed and have him behind you. Or depending on the height of things in your home – you could sit on something – like a desk or counter and he could be in front of you. If it’s wide enough, you could even lay back some if your belly still sticks out too far.
Jennifer: Or I could get a swing.
Me: Yeah, they sell those at Pamela’s in Harrisonburg. I think they’re actually pretty reasonable.

At this point, Michele and Rachel are looking at me, mouths open wide. And I tell Jennifer “you should’ve just asked me to begin with.”

This is amazingly accurate.

2007-02-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

gratitude

2007-01-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

I am thankful for the following things (in no particular order)
1. friends I can wake up in the middle of the night who are willing to talk and listen to me
2. a job where people care and notice if I’ve been gone
3. a comfortable bed
4. my ipod
5. kim (despite the hurt)
6. snow
7. clothes that fit

okay – I decided I wasn’t going to list people, but I changed my mind. So the following are people I am thankful for. Again, in no particular order.

1. Cristina
2. Mandy
3. Nicolas
4. Kim
5. My family
6. Peyton (he’s better than family ‘cause he’s little)
7. Victoria
8. all of my coworkers
9. Laurie and Catrina
10. NY Mandy – her blogs make me giggle

These are a few of my favorite things.

2006-12-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

1. The sound of music
2. motorcycles
3. giraffes
4. warm rainy days
5. the beach
6. snowboarding
7. old SNL
8. clean sheets
9. a good book
10. eating out
11. roller coasters
12. playing outside
13. volleyball
14. music
15. Lucy Liu
16. puppies
17. kittens
18. fuzzy caterpillars
19. peyton
20. going home
21. hugs
22. softball games
23. lava lamps
24. the word “flail”
25. strangers in the night
26. tubing
27. going to the movies
28. jeopardy
29. making things for friends
30. barnes and noble
31. helping people move
32. peanuts (the food, not the comic)
33. gossamer (the big hairy red monster from bugs bunny)
34. ice cream
35. my jmu mesh shorts

New Surgeon General Warning.

2006-12-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

One should not eat Taco Bell on day 1, then on day 2 consume “authentic” Mexican food at El Charro, and wrap it up on day 3 by eating a hot pocket for lunch.

It just ain’t pretty folks.

For the wonderful, beautiful Cristina.

2006-12-04T12:07:00.000-05:00

Because she asked. I feel like all I ever talk about on here is work or Kim, so I’m gonna change it up. Give you my new year’s resolutions now, because I know I’m never going to accomplish them. In no particular order they are:

1. get in touch and stay in touch with friends
2. take more trips
3. lose 15 of the 25 pounds I gained since last January
4. work harder
5. not procrastinate
6. fix my car
7. save more money
8. appreciate myself
9. smell the roses
10. go hiking more
11. drive because I want to (with no particular destination)
12. write letters to people
13. read more
14. read my books from school (since I didn’t read them in school)
15. make a plan for when I leave DSS
16. visit the following friends who reside in other states: Cristina, Laurie, Kay, Amy
17. like myself more
18. be more assertive
19. make more lists for my blogs because it’s easier
20. blog more

I think that’s enough of my list. Maybe I’ll think of another one later.

Work shmurk.

2006-11-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

Work…it’s not really any better. I’m counting down the months until I can leave. Which is sad. I mean, I like it here, but at the same time I don’t. I came back for two major reasons (aside from the fact I was contracted to) – Roy and Mandy. My two best friends here, who kept me sane, and who I loved hanging out with. Little did I realize how much things would change in the two years I was gone. Mandy no longer has time for anything other than work, school, and her family. I have to schedule an evening where the two of us can go to dinner together. And that’s only happened once. I have only seen Nicolas 2 or 3 times since I’ve been back. And I’ve been back almost a year (it’ll be a year on Jan. 18). And Roy – he left for Texas in March, and prior to that he had a girlfriend. Now they’re engaged. He’s back, but I haven’t talked to him or seen him. So basically, the major reasons keeping me here no longer exist. I was stupid to think that things wouldn’t change. I also think I’m retreating back into my shell. I enjoyed being in Richmond and Charlottesville because I could be out. I liked that feeling. I don’t have that here. I’m scared to be out here. And I will do anything to protect it, but in the same time, I’m losing what sense of self I had found in Richmond.

So I’m counting down the days until I can leave. Although I don’t know what I will do afterwards. I said that I wouldn’t do CPS again, but I’m not sure. It makes me feel bad though if I left to do DSS somewhere else. Like I’m saying to my old coworkers that I don’t like them and I needed a new environment. I love them, but I’m pulling away more and more. But then I think I’m probably pulling away because I know I’m going to leave. The same thing I do with everyone. Anyhoo – I also thought about going somewhere that I can work on my LCSW. What I really want is to go live on that island…with a handful of good friends, a volleyball, some cards, and a good book.

I think there’s something wrong with me.

2006-09-13T13:10:00.000-04:00

This past Monday marked the fifth year anniversary of 9/11. There was stuff all over tv, newspapers, etc. about it. Mandy and I chat some about it, she talks about how she got really upset and cried like a baby that night because of it. Then I read NY Mandy’s blog and how it affected her. Then today I see Cristina’s blog about it. And I still just don’t care. Yeah, it was a tragedy, and a lot of innocent people died, but for whatever reason, I’m not bothered by it. I mean, I want to go see where the trade centers were, but I think it’s more out of curiosity than out of homage to those who lost their lives. So I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. I remember that day – and trying to call Laurie to find out if her mom was okay because she lives in NY, trying to call Kay to find out if her parents were okay – they live in DC, calling Kirsten to find out if she was okay (I still don’t know why) – she lives in DC, etc. but that was it. I only know of one person that I know that worked in the trade center and he got out. I even know his story about that day. I still have that “eh, whatever” feeling though. So what the hell is wrong with me? Maybe it’s because I think the US is finally receiving the same treatment its been doling out for years. Maybe I think it’s because countless innocent people have lost their lives due to our stupid president. Maybe I look at the bombing of Hiroshima and all those people that died at the hands of the US, and I think – hey – it happens. And now it’s happened here, now we know what it feels like. Perhaps I’ve just given up altogether on the idea that countries might be able to solve their problems without killing people. I guess I’ve just resolved to accept it for what it is – senseless acts by those who think killing people will accomplish something. And in 800 years from now, when they finally grow up and realize war is not the answer to *any* problem, it’s just not going to matter to me anymore. I think I also figure I’m going to die one way or the other – so I just don’t care if it’s from some plane crashing into my place of work or if I slam my car head-on into a tree. 9/11 has made me realize that I need to tell people that I love them, and make every effort to spend time with them because you never know what could happen. But I don’t get all emotional about it. It just is. Kind of like “okay, it happened, let’s move on.” I’m not saying we shouldn’t forget it – but we don’t need to linger…we don’t need to retaliate.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is: 9/11. I just don’t care. And I feel guilty that I don’t care. But I have my reasons. And I think they’re valid.

Swiss Cake Rolls and Marital Bliss.

2006-08-21T15:24:00.000-04:00

I must say that being married feels no different than the “dating” we were doing before. I mean, the actions don’t feel different. Some of the emotions felt a little stronger the week following (I cried at the drop of a hat), but I think even that is waning some. Thank goodness. However, it is interesting to see how things are put in different perspective now. For example: yesterday my mom and I went to see my grandfather at the rehab/nursing home (I hate going). He was sitting in his wheelchair in the lobby, looking out the window waiting for my grandmother to arrive for her daily visit. So then it got me thinking about Kim and I and what if one of us were in his situation – how it would feel to sit at the window all morning waiting for the other to come visit. And of course thinking about that made me cry. Then I started thinking about the fact that we live in Virginia and if I were in the hospital ICU or something she wouldn’t be able to visit me because it’s “family only.” Damn Virginia is retarded. You know what? If it’s my effing hospital room, I should be able to have a guest list. If I’m paying for the damn treatment, I get to say who can sit with me or not.

On a lighter note, Kim bought me more swiss cake rolls since I bitched non-stop about how my roommate ate 7 packs (from a 12 pack box) in three days. I came home on Thursday to discover one measly little pack left. I can’t wait to be out of that house (and living with my sweetie).

AAACCCKKK!!

2006-08-02T16:32:00.000-04:00

The ceremony is in 9 days. I’m getting a *tad* nervous. Okay, maybe a lot nervous. I think there are more people coming than I had originally planned, and I get nervous in front of people.

I had a note on my desk today from Vicki – the woman who is performing the ceremony. It said “What is the alternate plan if it rains?” I wrote back “UMBRELLAS.”

Oh the joy. Do straight people have this level of anxiety about the big day?

All systems are go…

2006-07-24T12:25:00.000-04:00

The wedding is on, the anxiety is up, and trish has moved to texas. Yee haw! There really was no need for me to panic – I just like to freak out and think the worst. I’m *REALLY* good at that. It’s one of my strengths.

In the meantime, Kim and I are planning on moving to the thriving metropolis of Harrisonburg. Being in the ‘burg again should be interesting. I’ll be happy to have Klines and Mr. J’s frequently again. Oooh and Daves! Yum. If only they had a Krispy Kreme and an Olive Garden I’d be set. And weigh 300 pounds. But who really cares?

I was voted “most polite” at my class reunion 2 weeks ago. I guess because I didn’t trash talk anyone too loudly. What the hell were they thinking????

ri-dic-u-lous.

2006-07-18T17:05:00.000-04:00

The wedding may or may not happen at this point. This weekend will determine all. Kim’s ex has been causing problems, and now Kim is all confused. When it ended between them (badly, I might add) Kim never really got over it before I came on the scene in an attempt to sweep her off my feet. Anyhoo – now Trish is moving to Texas and is saying how she still loves Kim and wants to be with her blah blah friggin blah. And because Kim is so open and honest, she’s telling me all about her struggle. So basically, I got the invitations to give to people, but I haven’t handed them out because I don’t know what the hell is going on. At any rate, this weekend while I’m having a joyous time at my class reunion, Kim is going to be hashing things out with Trish. So I suppose by Sunday I’ll know if we’re on for a wedding or not. But then I think am I a friggin moron? Why should I want to be with this person who may or may not want to be with me? Because I think poor Kim is confused. I know she wants to be with me, but she wonders the “what if” part because of how things between her and Trish ended. I can’t say I blame her really. I mean, if any of my exes came back and said they’d want to be with me again, I would consider it. If only to eff them over like they did me. Except Kay. She didn’t screw me over. But Meredith and Kirsten certainly did. Anyhoo – the sad thing is that thinking about Kim and Trish getting back together doesn’t really bother me. At least not at this point. The only thing that bothers me is having to tell everyone the wedding is off. Especially Laurie and Catrina, since they bought plane tickets and everything. But I think they’d be understanding. And I would definitely offer to pay for part of their tickets to come out here anyhow. If they can’t get their money back. I don’t know how that works. I guess I’ll just feel like an idiot. “Just kidding – I’m not really getting married.” I wonder if that’s how my sister felt when she and her fiancée broke up. Hey – it’s actually family tradition. My brother had a fiancée and they broke up, my sister had a fiancée and they broke up – I guess now it’s my turn. Ha! That actually does make me feel better. And puts a fun spin on it. Whatever. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Whichever way you hope it works out.

Oh it’s so bittersweet.

2006-06-29T14:50:00.000-04:00

I can’t believe it. One of the “straight” women I have admired from afar….is now dating a woman. There is a God after all. But she isn’t dating me. Oh the cruelty….
Wait. I have a woman. Nevermind. But I am still *slightly* jealous.

O my

2006-06-19T10:03:00.000-04:00

That little problem i was having has ceased to be a problem.....

Thank God.

Whatever happened to…

2006-06-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

The little girl who had all the self-confidence in the world?
The girl who showed no fear?
The girl who didn’t have a care in the world?
The young woman who was talented, popular and athletic?
The young woman who worked her ass off to graduate after being suspended from JMU?

She has been replaced by…
The woman who is apathetic, boring, and lazy (and apparently redundant because apathetic can mean lazy).
The woman who graduated from VCU, but didn’t put forth any effort.
The woman who has forgotten everyone but her significant other.
The woman who never has a minute to herself, other than in her car, which is not where she wants to spend it.
The woman who wants to work out, but claims doesn’t have the time.
The woman who puts forth no effort to salvage friendships.
And the woman who wonders where it all went so drastically wrong….

Untitled.

2006-06-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

I’ve decided that the thing I hate the most in the world is watching your friendship with someone slowly fade away and being powerless to stop it.

I love my job.

2006-05-26T15:57:00.001-04:00

Not only do I get paid and have gov’t benefits – I receive the following…
A 5% raise for my MSW
A coworker brings me lunch
Today they threw me a party
And gave me $200 towards my ipod
SWEET!

oh the things that annoy me

2006-05-26T12:04:00.000-04:00

Stupid people
Stupid drivers who think they can speed past you in the right lane
Stupid drivers who go 45mph in the left lane
People who are convinced that they’re always right (I’m excluded from this because I’m wrong maybe once a year, and can admit to it)
Parents who ignore their children
Birds
Gnats
The walmart greeter
Salesclerks who follow you around asking if they can help you even though you’ve clearly stated “I don’t need any help.”
Traffic
Unlabled donut bins – how am I supposed to know what flavor is on the inside without sticking my finger in it?
Gay marriage bans
people who still refer to African Americans as “colored.”
When advil doesn’t work
When people back into my car and don’t have the balls to own up to it
Balls

Okay – I think that’s enough for now. And yes – this is different from cris’ “dislike” list….

My first list.

2006-05-24T12:28:00.000-04:00

My top 10 favorite words…in no particular order…
Flail
Banana
Aardvark
Antidisestablishmentarianismists
Meander
Bonkers
Kazoo
Snooze
Debacle (duh – bah – cull)
Finagle

Things that go bump in the night.

2006-05-24T12:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to food lion. Got some groceries, came home and did some laundry. This morning I go to leave the house and notice that there’s something on my front bumper (passenger side). I go closer. It looks like paint or that paint is missing from my car. Then I notice that my bumper isn’t lined up correctly. ASSHOLES! The only thing I can figure is that someone backed into me at Food Lion and then drove off. I didn’t notice it because it’s on the passenger side, and I walked to my car from the driver side. BASTARDS! I haven’t reported it to the insurance people because I don’t want my rates to go up (this would be the second problem in 6 months). I tried pushing it back in place but it wouldn’t go. I’m going to have to go get an estimate. Hopefully it won’t be more than a couple hundred. CRAP-O-LA.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

2006-05-12T14:17:00.000-04:00

Coworkers were talking about stupid senator kennedy and his recent escapades in the middle of the night. One of my coworkers said “what senator was that?” because she came in midway and had to find out what was going on (as usual). I said “kennedy” and walked out of the room. As I’m going down the hall she says “Is he from Shenandoah county?”

Idiots. They’re everywhere.

Little green monster.

2006-05-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

I want the kind of friendships with people that make other people jealous. The kind where other friends say “I wish I were that close with (insert name here).” But no, instead I have those friendships with people who no one else likes anyway. And I get the feeling that no one wants to be my friend like that – no one is jealous that they aren’t good friends with me. I haven’t figured out what it is or why that happens. All I know is that I’m jealous of a friend’s friendship and I want to be just as close to one of them, and it’s never going to happen, and I don’t know why.

And since I’m on the topic of friendship – I did it again. I went to school and came away with hardly any people to call friends. JMU – how many people did I interact with? And how many people do I still keep in touch with? Hmmm…the answer is a whopping 5. Cris, Fatty, Laurie, Kay, Elizabeth. Then there’s Amy and Rachel, who I’m in contact with sporadically. That’s it. I spent 3 years with people in the social work department, and I only stayed/made friends with Cris. But I don’t think she counts because she was in KKPsi. Well, she counts twice. Maybe that’s why we stayed friends. Actually – that’s probably accurate. Everyone else counts twice too because of band. Interesting…so I go to grad school – and I have one person I will probably talk to after graduation. And only then because she invited me to her wedding in October. I have no doubt our contact will cease after her marriage begins. Why do I do this? I can’t figure out why I obviously refuse to connect and bond with people. And maintain whatever friendship develops. There are several people at VCU I have made friends with; Alex, Steph, Shameika, etc. but I know I won’t keep in touch with them. Why???? A little help please….

I'm going to figure out who the poor are dammit.

2006-05-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

I graduate next Friday from grad school, and for whatever godforsaken reason I am seriously contemplating getting my PhD. Am I a total and complete idiot? Wait, don’t answer that. I would love to be “Dr. Whitlow.” How cool would that be? Even the dissertation stuff doesn’t scare me – it’s the comprehensive exams before I can begin my dissertation that scares me. They’re written and oral! And probably 50 billion times worse than JMU’s undergrad versions (which now seem like cake). I think what I will do is finish out my indentured servitude here at DSS, move back to Cville or Richmond, and then go to VCU for my PhD. I think I’m just a sucker for punishment. It’s just good fun.

I got a new cell phone. It rocks. If I could figure it all out, it would rock even more. It apparently has the capability to be an MP3 player. Sweet! It’s the sprint version of the Razor. I like it. Although I think I should’ve paid bills before I bought the damn phone. Funny how I can’t pay my cell phone bill, but I can pay for a new phone that cost more than my cell phone bill….How does that happen?

I’m annoyed I can’t take time off work to go to NJ for Cris’ graduation. I’m annoyed that I have no opportunity to accrue time to take off work. I’m also annoyed that I had to take sick time for all my friggin doctors appointments. Which aren’t done yet. I want to be on daily meds, so I need to make an appointment to change my prescription. If they’ll let me. The original doctor said I didn’t need daily meds, but I want them. But she was at prompt care. I’m going to make an appointment with my regular doctor. Hopefully I’ll get off my lazy butt and make that appointment sometime this year.

Got to see P. Natty yesterday. Good times. He’s getting to be quite the chunk.

3 more weeks

2006-04-17T11:38:00.000-04:00

until school is done. i will have my masters. well, technically i should have my masters. it all comes down to my research project, which hasn't even begun because i haven't recieved approval yet. bastards.
i've recently discovered how hypocritical i am. it's actually quite depressing. the other day i came back to the house in the morning after driving over from c'ville to discover roy had his new girlfriend spend the night. with her 5 year old son. i was annoyed. i shouldn't be, i'm never home, but it bothered me anyway. i actually thought to myself "if she's going to be here all the time, she needs to start paying rent. why can't they stay at her place?" and then i realized what an idiot i am. kim and i do the same thing to her roommate. her roommate is only there on the occasional friday night, and even then it's maybe twice a month. the rest of the time she's never home, but i wonder if she thinks the same thing of me. then i felt like crap about roy. but sometimes i would like to come home and not find some 5 year old kid that i don't know watching my tv. it's just kind of creepy sometimes.
the other day i came home and roy had his daughter there - she's really cute, but really spoiled and annoying. she told me she liked my pink seashell that i found at the beach. i told her thank you, but had no clue what the hell she was talking about. then i went in my room, and realized i had seashells on my dresser. what the hell is this kid doing going in my room? i have stuff in there that i know roy doesn't want her to find - and i make sure to keep my door shut. now i'm going to have to start locking it. or putting stuff up on the shelf in my closet so she can't get to it. i'm beginning to think that living with roy was not the best idea i've ever had. but whatever. i'm never there, so that makes it a little easier.

what's that on your neck?

2006-03-28T15:46:00.000-05:00

kim left a hickey on my neck, and people at work keep asking about it. "my rash is spreading" i tell them. i have another UTI, so i blame it on the medication. these lies are getting out of hand. i'm not going to be able to keep up with them all. kim did it on purpose. it is funny though. i told her paybacks are a bitch.

marriage? what?

2006-03-27T10:47:00.000-05:00

i can't believe that i've decided to jump on the committment bandwagon. this is ridiculous. basically, i just can't sit around and wait anymore for cristina to come to my side of the tracks. and frankly, i'm disappointed. i thought i could hold out...but apparently i was wrong. i suppose it's better this way though.

july 22. somehow i have to come up with an ass load of money to pay for all this. the ring, a hotel, etc. the ring itself is approx. $600. i don't know if it's going to cost more to get the inside engraved or not. so let's just say it'll be $650. then the hotel at the beach. and i'm going to pay to put laurie in a room for a night, and vicki in a room for a night. i'd pay for cris too, but she'd kick my ass. and i'm already going to pay for her plane ticket to maine.

i think my brain is messed up.

well, i must work on my presentation. it's tonight. perhaps i'll be ready by then.

eff me i forgot i had a paper due

2006-03-20T12:09:00.000-05:00

i think that dating someone while attempting to finish your last semester in grad school is not a good idea. i'm definitely distracted. we got up this morning, and as i'm getting ready for school and to take kim to work, i realize that i have a paper due in my first class and i had completely forgotten about it. oops. so i rush to campus to type up my paper, which i just finished, which is crap. i also have another paper i was supposed to have finished, but i seem to have misplaced my jump drive for the time being and now i can't do it. i can't wait to tell my professor i don't have it done. she's not going to be happy with me. and it's really no excuse, because it should've been done a week ago. i need to get my act together. it doesn't help that i have senoritis and springtime-itis as well. dammit. but if i can find my stupid jump drive, i can have the one paper done and to my professor by tommorrow afternoon.
damn. gotta love school.
anyhoo - enough about school. now family/kim. so kim is african american. something my parents are most likely not going to like. kim knows this, and therefore doesn't want to hang around them. that bothered me until this morning. before coming to campus, i ran home to get some change for parking and grab something to eat. my mom had taken the day off, so i got to chat with her. note - i haven't come right out and told my parents kim and i are dating, but i'm pretty sure they know since that's where i stay every weekend. anyhoo - mom is trying to get me to pack up the rest of my stuff and get it out of the house. she made a comment this morning about how maybe one day instead of going to kim's i could come home and pack up my stuff. i said "maybe i'll make kim come help." my mom's response? "i don't think so." now, instead of asking for clarification and/or responding, i kept my mouth shut. now i don't know what mom meant. did she mean she doesn't want kim coming to the house? is it because mom doesn't like me dating a black woman? or does mom just not want kim to see my mess? i doubt that it has anything to do with kim seeing the messiness. i know this because i had mentioned something about you helping me pack/move and maybe getting mandy to help. no such comment was ever made to those suggestions. or maybe mom is just having a hard time dealing with my dating someone at all. who knows. but why is it that even though i'm 27 friggin years old, i can't speak my mind and ask questions of my parents? should i go back and ask mom what it meant? should i come right out and tell them i'm dating kim? i just have a hard time with that idea. i've always kept stuff from my parents regarding who i was dating. in 8th grade, mike gave me roses, a teddy bear, and some smelly lotions for valentines day. to this day, my dad still doesn't know who gave me that stuff. ridiculous. the whole incident this morning makes me wonder how i'd be able to have my parents come to my ceremony. then i think maybe i shouldn't have one at all. how can i invite my sister (knowing she's cool with everything) and not invite my parents? aaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk! i love being a social working and embracing diversity in a family that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

why do these things need a title?

2006-03-15T14:44:00.000-05:00

i was in the doghouse again this weekend. it went something like this - kim was making fun of me, which is usually fine, but i thought she had finished and moved on. then i tried to give her a hug, and she again started laughing at me and pulled away. it hurt my feelings, and without really thinking i said f--- you. she really hates that. she has a history with that phrase, so it bothers her immensely. i realized what i had done after i said it. oops. and when kim gets mad, she stops talking to me, stops looking at me, everything. i hate it. but i guess that's the point. but by the next day i had kissed her ass enough that we were okay again. relationships are hard. i can't keep up with what i can and can't say, and always find myself saying the wrong thing. and then i feel like crap. but you know - i care so much for her (as evidenced by my proposal), and i don't want to lose her. it's an interesting feeling. i haven't felt like this since meredith, and i try not to let that count because it was one-sided. with kim she feels the same. its a different feeling having someone reciprocate what i'm feeling. at least for the moment. i'm still really scared that she's going to leave. she's scared i'm going to leave her too. we're both so tentative, it's ridiculous. all i know is that i want to be with her. and get her name tattooed on my body. just kidding cristina. well, not really, but i'm not doing it.

the much anticipated blog

2006-03-10T14:51:00.000-05:00

For you Cristina - there are many parts to the Kim saga I have yet to reveal. The most major important one is that I asked her to marry me....

oh happy day

2006-02-27T16:22:00.001-05:00

i finished my paper 15 minutes before my 1:00 class. then, i find out my 4:00 class is cancelled. halle-friggin-lleuah. the downside is that now i have to putz around until my 7:00 class - when my paper is due. i'm debating whether or not to go shopping. but then i'd have to pay for parking twice. or i can just sit here and type my 3rd blog entry for today.
i got highly annoyed in class today. we were discussing relationships, and our professor was talking about this couple he's working with who have been together for 17 years but aren't married. both were married before and were cheated on. so the dude in the relationship wants a committment from the woman. so we were discussing the couple getting married. i got pissed. i mean- isn't 17 friggin years a commitment? hellllooo!! what the hell is a piece of paper and a ring going to do to change their relationship? the dude needs to wake up. so she doesn't want to get married. that doesn't mean she isn't committed to him. i mean, 17 years for christsakes! and then people in class started arguing with me that marriage is more than just a piece of paper and a ring. yeah, but you know what - i can't legally have one, so i have to be content with whatever i've got. you straight people can f-ing suck it up. 17 years! if that's not committment, i'm f-ing the queen of england.

time is running out....

2006-02-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

she has an hour left to write 2 pages. can she do it??? stay tuned....

paper? what paper?

2006-02-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

i have 2 hours to complete my paper. i have approximately 4 pages left to type, but instead i'm creating a blog. thanks cristina. i'm blaming this one on you too.
it's so easy to slack off in my last semester of grad school - i have senoritis and a girlfriend. those two things should NEVER be put together. oh - and i have a pregnant sister. yeah, lets see where my priorities are. hmm...i think i won't jump on the list bandwagon yet - i'll save that for my next entry. yay.