Today I got to thinking about my time spent in grad school. Which then got me thinking about undergrad…and then high school…and I again came to the realization that I don’t let people get close to me, and I don’t know why.
Let’s examine this and see how many people I count as friends from each group, that I still talk to somewhat regularly.
High school: Michelle
JMU: Cristina, Laurie, Amy, Kay, Fatimah, Elizabeth, Jen
VCU: None
This is pathetic. And it makes me sad. Because there are people I wish I were still friends with, or had made an attempt to have something lasting. But for whatever reason, I didn’t. Now I’m not saying that the people listed above are crappy. Not at all. If anything – they made me actually want to let them in, which is a big deal. I can’t figure out why I close people off. I thought I did a better job in grad school, but apparently I didn’t. What am I so scared of? Or is it more that I’m lazy and suck at keeping in touch? I mean, I’m lucky if I talk to kay once every 2 months. And I miss her like crazy, but I don’t do anything about it. Maybe I avoid being close with people because I dread the part about leaving or not talking to them. Like the feeling I have with Kay. But now I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I think I’ve always felt like that though. I never had a best friend when I was little. Well, I said I did, but they didn’t. Michelle and Brooke were each others best friends. I counted them as mine. There’s a significant difference I think. I didn’t have a reciprocal best friend relationship until high school. I wonder if that has anything to do with my stuff. My sister has had the same best friend since they were little and in school. She still keeps in touch with one person from VA Tech, but mostly she keeps in touch with high school people.
I wonder if this is normal though. Maybe it’s all that I just want a billion people who want to be my friend and be near me, and I’m disappointed that I don’t and I blame myself. Or maybe I just want closer friendships with people – I’ve always been jealous of how close other people are with each other, but then again, I don’t do anything to make it happen.
I certainly don’t want this to sound like I’m not happy. I am. I think this is just about wanting more – or wanting what I don’t have. Like money. I think lots of it comes from my insecurities. I make plans with people or maybe just tentative plans, and then they bail or it just never happens. It makes me start thinking it’s something with me. But how can I not think that when I happens multiple times with the same people. It’s getting to the point where I just throw ideas out there to people to see what will happen. If they will reinforce my theory that they don’t want to do anything with me, or if they’ll surprise me and actually follow through. Like my snowboarding with Leila or Mandy. For years Leila has said we should go snowboarding. But then when I call her to ask if she wants to go, she always has some reason she can’t, but then never suggests a different time. Similar with Mandy. We’ve been saying for years we’re going to go. I even wrote it on her calendar, but then it still didn’t happen. Maybe I should just give up altogether. Or maybe I should just come right out and say “you don’t really want to do that with me, do you?” Maybe if I just put it out there, they’ll be more comfortable with admitting it. Yet I’m certain they will respond with “yes I do, it’s just (insert excuse here).” And then it will happen again. And again. And again.
And I wonder why I don’t let people get close to me. The ones I consider close hurt me just the same.
That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
- Ghost Story - Sting
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
You should’ve asked the lesbian in the first place.
There are 6 women in my unit at work. 4 of whom are married and have children, 1 is married and pregnant, and then me. The following is the lunchtime conversation.
Jennifer (pregnant woman): (turning to Rachel and Michele) I have a question for the two of you.
Me: What am I, chopped liver?
Jennifer: Well, you won’t have the answer.
Me: Whatever.
Jennifer: I’ve become to pregnant and fat to have sex comfortably, do you two have any suggestions on positions?
Rachel: On all fours.
Michele: (nods head)
Rachel: Or what about you on top?
Jennifer: I’m getting too big and can’t move that well that way.
Me: you could lay sideways in the bed – but if he’s too short, his head will be in the middle of your back which may be uncomfortable for him. Or you could lean over onto the bed and have him behind you. Or depending on the height of things in your home – you could sit on something – like a desk or counter and he could be in front of you. If it’s wide enough, you could even lay back some if your belly still sticks out too far.
Jennifer: Or I could get a swing.
Me: Yeah, they sell those at Pamela’s in Harrisonburg. I think they’re actually pretty reasonable.
At this point, Michele and Rachel are looking at me, mouths open wide. And I tell Jennifer “you should’ve just asked me to begin with.”
Jennifer (pregnant woman): (turning to Rachel and Michele) I have a question for the two of you.
Me: What am I, chopped liver?
Jennifer: Well, you won’t have the answer.
Me: Whatever.
Jennifer: I’ve become to pregnant and fat to have sex comfortably, do you two have any suggestions on positions?
Rachel: On all fours.
Michele: (nods head)
Rachel: Or what about you on top?
Jennifer: I’m getting too big and can’t move that well that way.
Me: you could lay sideways in the bed – but if he’s too short, his head will be in the middle of your back which may be uncomfortable for him. Or you could lean over onto the bed and have him behind you. Or depending on the height of things in your home – you could sit on something – like a desk or counter and he could be in front of you. If it’s wide enough, you could even lay back some if your belly still sticks out too far.
Jennifer: Or I could get a swing.
Me: Yeah, they sell those at Pamela’s in Harrisonburg. I think they’re actually pretty reasonable.
At this point, Michele and Rachel are looking at me, mouths open wide. And I tell Jennifer “you should’ve just asked me to begin with.”
Friday, February 09, 2007
This is amazingly accurate.
The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.
Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.
The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.
There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.
In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.
Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.
The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.
There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.
In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.
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