so I speak to you in riddles cause my words get in my way

Today I got to thinking about my time spent in grad school. Which then got me thinking about undergrad…and then high school…and I again came to the realization that I don’t let people get close to me, and I don’t know why.
Let’s examine this and see how many people I count as friends from each group, that I still talk to somewhat regularly.
High school: Michelle
JMU: Cristina, Laurie, Amy, Kay, Fatimah, Elizabeth, Jen
VCU: None

This is pathetic. And it makes me sad. Because there are people I wish I were still friends with, or had made an attempt to have something lasting. But for whatever reason, I didn’t. Now I’m not saying that the people listed above are crappy. Not at all. If anything – they made me actually want to let them in, which is a big deal. I can’t figure out why I close people off. I thought I did a better job in grad school, but apparently I didn’t. What am I so scared of? Or is it more that I’m lazy and suck at keeping in touch? I mean, I’m lucky if I talk to kay once every 2 months. And I miss her like crazy, but I don’t do anything about it. Maybe I avoid being close with people because I dread the part about leaving or not talking to them. Like the feeling I have with Kay. But now I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I think I’ve always felt like that though. I never had a best friend when I was little. Well, I said I did, but they didn’t. Michelle and Brooke were each others best friends. I counted them as mine. There’s a significant difference I think. I didn’t have a reciprocal best friend relationship until high school. I wonder if that has anything to do with my stuff. My sister has had the same best friend since they were little and in school. She still keeps in touch with one person from VA Tech, but mostly she keeps in touch with high school people.
I wonder if this is normal though. Maybe it’s all that I just want a billion people who want to be my friend and be near me, and I’m disappointed that I don’t and I blame myself. Or maybe I just want closer friendships with people – I’ve always been jealous of how close other people are with each other, but then again, I don’t do anything to make it happen.
I certainly don’t want this to sound like I’m not happy. I am. I think this is just about wanting more – or wanting what I don’t have. Like money. I think lots of it comes from my insecurities. I make plans with people or maybe just tentative plans, and then they bail or it just never happens. It makes me start thinking it’s something with me. But how can I not think that when I happens multiple times with the same people. It’s getting to the point where I just throw ideas out there to people to see what will happen. If they will reinforce my theory that they don’t want to do anything with me, or if they’ll surprise me and actually follow through. Like my snowboarding with Leila or Mandy. For years Leila has said we should go snowboarding. But then when I call her to ask if she wants to go, she always has some reason she can’t, but then never suggests a different time. Similar with Mandy. We’ve been saying for years we’re going to go. I even wrote it on her calendar, but then it still didn’t happen. Maybe I should just give up altogether. Or maybe I should just come right out and say “you don’t really want to do that with me, do you?” Maybe if I just put it out there, they’ll be more comfortable with admitting it. Yet I’m certain they will respond with “yes I do, it’s just (insert excuse here).” And then it will happen again. And again. And again.
And I wonder why I don’t let people get close to me. The ones I consider close hurt me just the same.

That this indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention
- Ghost Story - Sting